Washer/Dryer

$3200 – 2br Duplex, Backyard, Month Free, No Fee and BDSM (Greenpoint Ave. G)

That’s right bargain hunting kinksters! No fee, month free, private backyard, washer/dryer, dishwasher, two bathrooms and your own dungeon.

Hot apartment action inside…

Into plushie play? Here’s a tranquil pasture for you and your friends to hop around in bunny costumes.

Living and dining and slipping and sliding.

Splosh central.

Wishy washy sissy room.

Cozy bedroom for those post-coital cuddles.

La pièce de la résistance – an ample dungeon for all your lascivious needs.

Second bathroom located in the dungeon for quick and convenient clean-ups.

Game changers. Ready to launder every stain imaginable.

Extra shelves for various accessories.

Large enough for your entire fetish wear wardrobe and/or cubbie boy.

– Heat/hot water included.

– Pets are cool.

– Map here.

Send an email or comment to set up a viewing or be spanked.

$3900 – 4br Reno 911

$3333-5999 – DUMBO SNEAK FREAK (York St. F)

These days it’s hard to find new construction that isn’t tainted by the evil wizard wand of “condo doucheplex,” especially in Dumbo. BUT, I stumbled on this snazzy industrial renovation out there and thought, “Hey! Not bad!”

Show me your weirding way:

From the Front Street side the sky appears bluer.

Rendering of the lobby. That guy on the right will greet you each day while walking full stride at you, the wind fluttering through his coattails, his collar rising higher ever so slightly as he barrels toward you.

Studios ($3333-3490)

When I bezerked in here a while ago when it was still a construction zone, I didn’t wantonly barge into any of the studios at the time so all I have are these floor plans. This is the first type of configuration. 633 sq/ft at $3333/m seems halfway livable.

Here’s the second type. 660-672 sq/ft for $3490/m. That’s 30-40 more square feet! Just imagine it!

And here’s the third type. 837 sq/ft for $3490/m. Same price, thrice the spice (no idea what that means… just felt like sayin’ it).

Studios + Home Office ($3672-4323)

Again, I flailed on finding any of these coveted studio+offices so you’re stuck with a line drawing. Deal with it. This is 704-734 sq/ft for $3672/m. Long, lean, lots of closets and room for three plants!

This is type two, similar to the above but inverted. 786-805 sq/ft for $3958/m offers you room for two Lay-Z-Boys and a sofa.

The last of the studio-hicans+office. This one seems like a one-bedroom to me but technically it’s not. 1065 sq/ft at $4323/m feels like 1br land, alas…

One-Bedrooms ($3854-4271)

Now we’re getting into the meat! I did manage to snap a few shots of these guys AND you’ll get to see the difference between mine and some very glamorous shots from the developer. This bad boy is 672-673 sq/ft for $3854/m.

I’m no architectural genius but I’m pretty sure this is a shot of the living area depicted graphically in the previous floor plan drawing. Mind you, the sofa in the drawing is replaced by a sectional in the photo.

Reminding you again that I’m not a genius, it seems evident that this is the kitchen of that 1br we’re speaking of. Menu chalkboards optional.

Heheh.

All the bathrooms in the building, as far as I’ve seen, look (or will look) like this. Nize.

I kinda think my photos are more fun, no? Like the aftermath of a nuclear winter or something… but still nice.

This is type B of the 1brs and I for sure know I saw these first hand. 723-801 sq/ft at $3880 is what we dealin’ with.

Here’s the living room and there’s that column. Great for hanging weapons or displaying your collection of decorative plates from the US Presidency. Floors coming soon.

Can’t say I don’t like the tall windows in the bedroom though I’d prefer a different shade of chartreuse for my across the street neighbor’s exterior.

Oh man, KITCHEN RAMPAGE!!! Looks like the set of Prometheus.

Type C has another 30-40 square feet than the other guy. 836-878 sq/ft for $4010 gets you a smidge more room for your flat screen.

Wild guess as to whether this corresponds to the floor plan but if it does, now you can see what the bedroom/living space will look like with floors installed. Yay.

Type D here. You’ve got a that little Time Bandits entrance hallway and considerably more square footage. Noting my non-architectural genius (and quite possibly a rare disorder giving me the inability to read floor plans too good), I think this unit has windows on either side somehow. 945-960 sq/ft at $4271/m is what it be.

One Bedroom + Home Office ($4453-5755)

Here’s type A of these nifty numbers. 856 sq/ft for $4453/m gets you it.

Feeling pretty confident that my Sherlock Holmsing of this building got me into the corresponding unit to the respective diagram. This be the living room and through that door be the bedroom.

You may not have as much fun looking at photos of closets as I do taking them. Regardless, these are the ones in the bedroom.

This bathroom is what it feels like when the tub and toilet switch places.

Another angle on the living space peering into the kitchen behind the column and the home office with SKYLIGHT way down the end there.

A closer look at the kitchen. Envision a fridge.

The blue hue in this photo is from the natural twilight pouring in from the skylight above. There’s also a decent closet in here. Don’t mind that ladder, just don’t walk ‘neath it.

GLORIA! I understand there are more of these ceiling light ports in the top floor units.

Definitely did no get to see Type B first hand. 965-971 sq/ft for $4245/m gives you the option to beds in both the office and the bedroom but you’d have to enter through one of them. Zoinks.

I vaguely remember seeing one of these Type C’s but opted out of taking photos due to its unsightly mid-construction appearance. 1072 sq/ft at $4070 keeps you sprawlin’ and ballin’.

The mirror of its sister, Type C, Type D has the twin bathrooms and offers 1140 sq/ft for $4844/m. Double rad.

Sort of just adding these on toward the end because I couldn’t rightly tell you which floor plans they correspond to. Almost certain it’s the living room of one of the one bedrooms.

Same room, different angle, better light, and please don’t paint that wall.

At last, we’re at the end (phew). This is the 2br “Jolt Cola” special: “All the sugar. Twice the caffeine.” 1245-1270 sq/ft for $5999/m and not one penny more!

Additional features may include:

14-foot ceilings
Exterior brick walls
Exposed original columns and beams
Oversized 10-foot windows
Wood plank ceilings
Full size Washer & Dryer
Spacious closets complete with shelving and efficient hanging layouts
Individually controlled central heat and air-conditioning in every home
Custom sun shades for every window
Video Intercom
Large skylights in many top floor apartment homes
Cooking gas and hot water are included.
Pets are cool as far as I know.
Map here.

If you’ve made it this far, it’s probably worth it for you to email me to set up a viewing.

Good night and thank you.

$2800 – 3br in luxury’s leggy lap (G’pt Ave. G)

Thanks to my new RE partner and straight shootin’ neighborhood dude, Ion Birch, it’s as if the plumage of the superb bird of paradise has unfurled before me.

Your Greenpoint paradise hideaway-nest awaits your elaborate mating dance:

– Dropped back and yet, sticks out somehow.

– Look, we’re not here to discuss design, taste, art, or artistry so let’s keep it simple – this space is 16’x12′ = 192sf of living room.

– I do like some lucite things. Kitchen. DoucheDishwasher too!

– The first of two bathrooms! Always remember to keep the seats down, please.

– The first of three bedrooms. 12’x9′ = 108sf

– Bedroom number two (huh-huh). 10’x15′ = 150sf of number two!

– The Supreme Master Bedroom with ergonomic office chair. 11’x15′ = 165sf of chair rolling fun.

– I’m pretty sure those nipple spouty things in the tub are jets for [cue the Price is Right theme song] YOUR NEW JACUZZI TUB!

– [Price is Right theme still going] [BARKER] Tell ’em what else they get, Rod! [RODDY] You and guest will be staying at the GRAND CLOSET hotel and casino in beautiful sunny Acapulco, Mexicoooooo! It’s the only place in town where you’ll find a GRAND CLOSET, in every room.

– [RODDY] All that tubbin’ and scrub-a-dubbin’ will make you wanna do your laundry… IN YOUR NEW WASHER AND DRYER!!!

– Hey, cool out Jack! A hulking massive floating AC zips that whole house cold when it’s hot. Baseboard heaters are there for when it’s not.

– Where?

– OH HERE! Next to the Marshall’s impound lot only a short block away from where this apartment lies. “See ya later honey, I’m goin’ to play pinball down by the car pound!” Brilliance, in life, although fleeting, exists.

– Heat IS YES ABSOLUTELY INDEED included.

– Gas and electric are not.

– Landlord wants a direct monthly deposit set up in order to receive the benefit of the rent reduction from 3400 to the now 2800. I know that sounds like bullshit but it’s actually true.

– Available Jan 1, 2010. HAPPY NEW DECADE!

– Map here.

Obviously we must be respectful of the kind individuals living there now so weekday afternoons around 2p is good to view and so are weekends around 11a.

Comment here and througheth thou shall pass.

$2750 – 1br Grand Accomodations on Grand (Bedford L)

This crib still has the good vibes from its last tenant (my friend and brilliant writer). It’s a 1br loft, mega luxurious, titanic windows, laundry hookups, dishwasher… the whole nine.

Shall we have a look-see?

grand_3_living

– This is a pretty good overview of what you’ve got – sleeping loft up above the kitchen, fully stocked and new kitchen, and there’s the dining section of your massive, gaping, ginormous living space.

grand_3_living2 grand_3_living3

– If you were to sit in the middle of the room and look both ways 180 degrees in opposite directions, this is how the world would look to you in there.

grand_3_living4

– Admittedly, I’m fetishizing this living room but it’s nearly impossible to capture the enormity of these windows, the light, and the feeling that 18′ ceilings provide. Oh, and there are two balconies out there – great for parades!

grand_3_loft

– This is where you put your bed. Not sure of the dimensions but you can totally squeeze a queen sized frame in there.

grand_3_closet

– This is where you put your clothes… and a guest lodger if necessary… it’s huge in there.

grand_3_kitchen2 grand_3_kitchen1

– Back to back kitchen views! The one on the left is a little bit closer up so you can feast your eyes on your NEW DISHWASHER! No more dish pan hands!

grand_3_hookups