Heat/Hot Water Included

$1950 – 1br WOOFERS! (Nassau Ave. G)

Dogs ‘n dogs ‘n dogs ‘n dogs. Who doesn’t love those lovable mutts!?

Here’s a place right on McGolrick Park that not only allows them but is the pure living essence of their spirit.

Waggle on.

This bedroom beckons for the scuttling of little paws.

Well lit for your kibble ‘n bit(s).

Dog-brown tiles help your pooch blend in while he’s waiting for you to finish your mini bath.

When you need those times alone, this water closet allows for full solitary confinement.

Interior alcove for home office or home kennel.

– All utilities included.

– Pet friendly (duh).

– Available immediately.

– Map here.

Comment or give a howl to arrange an appointment.

$1550 – A Nightmare on India Street (Greenpoint Ave. G)

On this very night, ten years ago, along this same stretch of road in a dense fog just like this, I saw the worst accident I ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building… and when they finally pulled the driver’s body from the twisted, burning wreck… it looked like this!

Enter if you dare…

Captain Ahab’s quarters until he was sucked out through those windows and devoured by a giant land squid.

Imagine Psycho meets The Human Centipede and you'll catch the vibe of this bathroom.

Imagine Psycho meets The Human Centipede and you’ll catch the vibe of this Kubrickian thriller bathroom.

Poultry-geist central, Carol Ann.

Disturbingly small and windowless kitchen scrubbed clean of the evidence of the victims who were fed pierogis containing the meat of human featuses to death.

A suitable nook for your attempt at the modern screen adaptation of DeSade’s 120 Days of Sodom.

Where your last letter pleading for help will be written.

The red brick and globe stones is custom stained in human sacrifice blood.

The red brick and globe stones are custom stained in human sacrifice blood.

Backyard? or graveyard.

Don't disturb the twins who live in that closet filled with blood.

Do not disturb the twins who live in that closet filled with blood.

Endangered spirit animal death shroud.

– All utilities included (even WiFi)

– No pets 😦

– Available Nov. 1st

Use the contact form below to receive your death warrant and access to this den of iniquity.

$3200 – 2br Duplex, Backyard, Month Free, No Fee and BDSM (Greenpoint Ave. G)

That’s right bargain hunting kinksters! No fee, month free, private backyard, washer/dryer, dishwasher, two bathrooms and your own dungeon.

Hot apartment action inside…

Into plushie play? Here’s a tranquil pasture for you and your friends to hop around in bunny costumes.

Living and dining and slipping and sliding.

Splosh central.

Wishy washy sissy room.

Cozy bedroom for those post-coital cuddles.

La pièce de la résistance – an ample dungeon for all your lascivious needs.

Second bathroom located in the dungeon for quick and convenient clean-ups.

Game changers. Ready to launder every stain imaginable.

Extra shelves for various accessories.

Large enough for your entire fetish wear wardrobe and/or cubbie boy.

– Heat/hot water included.

– Pets are cool.

– Map here.

Send an email or comment to set up a viewing or be spanked.

$2600 – 2br Architecture of the Gods (Greenpoint Ave. G)

As if Prometheus himself, wisest of the Titans, had foretold the overthrow of his fellow primordial gods by the Olympians, he would’ve had no choice other than to defect and fight alongside Zeus. Together, Zeus and Prometheus, would’ve lived triumphantly in this ethereal flat in the upper air of Greenpoint.

Float through…

According to the poet Alcman, Aether was the father of Uranus, the personification of the sky. He here sat and thought, "How high am I?"

According to the poet Alcman, Aether was the father of Uranus, the personification of the sky. Here he sat and thought, “How high am I?”

Chaos was the first of the primordial deities. From Chaos came Erebus and Nyx. This kitchen is sunny.

Cronus was the leader and the youngest of the first generation of Titans. He preferred glass brick in his bathroom too.

Gaia was the great mother of all: the primal Greek Mother Goddess. She had plenty of space for her bike over the bed.

The Giants were the children of Gaia (Earth) and her husband Uranus (Sky), born from the blood that fell upon Gaia when Uranus was castrated by their son Cronus. They slept well in this quiet second bedroom.

– Available June 1st.

– Former architect’s residence.

– Awesome landlord.

– Map here

Comment or send me a lightning bolt to schedule a viewing.

$175/night – 1.5br in The Rose House (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Parents, grandparents, celebrities, travelers, drunkards and the regular Joe Schmo all agree: The Rose House puts the petal to the metal for temporary stays in NYC.

Here’s la fleur plan.

– Living room “Side A” plays the TV hits, Netflix, and improved indoor corner air quality through plants. Fuck my Noguchi coffee table.

– Living Room “Side B” plays vintage records, tatami town, and sheep’s hide arm chair lounge.

– Washer/dryer = game/changer

– Salubrious shower stalls for all.

– Sepia kitchen.

-Bedroom for days.

– Country livin.

– Compost, grill, fire pit, old park bench, unobstructed view of a slice of the skyline.

– Night moves.

– $175/night includes all utilities (WiFi, steam heat, hot water, and electric)

– Available upon request.

– Map here.

Click here or comment for more info. Ciao!

$2250 – Greenpoint 2014: The year you make contact with a 1br (Nassau G)

Unless you’ve traveled from Brooklyn to Jupiter and back at .9 times the speed of light over the course of five years, you may be a bit disoriented because 11.47 years would’ve passed here on earth. Not only are all your friends now “so over New York and living in Venice Beach,” you’ve missed how exponentially awesomer Greenpoint has gotten since you left. Now that you’re back, here’s your chance to touch the monolith.

For your “twistening” pleasure:

Dave Bowman: My God, it’s full of stars!

Er, vinyl siding. Slightly obscured by the shrub is the “DENTIST” awning signifying the former tenant and your wide-open potential for an amateur crack at a new cottage venture.

Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Don’t listen to HAL. Come right in and slide on your socks all the way to the kitchen if you want.

HAL: I’ve just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It’s going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.

That’s a shop vac, HAL, and it’ll be outta there before you move (float) in. Unless you were referring to the electric fireplace because no, there’s no problem with it at all, it totally works. Stupid HAL.

[choosing sandwiches from a cooler while flying over the lunar surface]
Dr. Floyd: What’s that? Chicken?
Dr. Bill Michaels: Something like that. Tastes the same anyway.

Whether your dinner guests are astrophysicists or not, you’ll have fine time preparing your astronaut ice cream pouches in this space-aged kitchen.

[on Dave’s return to the ship, after HAL has killed the rest of the crew]
HAL: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

Hopefully you’ll have better luck with HAL than Dave but if you do end up taking that stress pill, here’s your bedroom where you can lie down and think things over.

Dave Bowman: Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL?
HAL: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Dave Bowman: What’s the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

The pod bay (closet) doors are wide open, as you can see, despite HAL’s insubordination, and full of space for odysseys of storage. Dr. Frank Poole and I will do our best to disconnect HAL before you move in so as to avoid any unfortunate disputes.

Floyd’s Daughter: Hello?
Dr. Floyd: Hello!
Floyd’s Daughter: Hello.
Dr. Floyd: How’re you doing, squirt?
Floyd’s Daughter: All right.
Dr. Floyd: What are you doing?
Floyd’s Daughter: Playing.
Dr. Floyd: Where’s mommy?
Floyd’s Daughter: Gone to shopping.
Dr. Floyd: Well, who’s taking care of you?
Floyd’s Daughter: Rachel.
Dr. Floyd: May I speak to Rachel, please?
Floyd’s Daughter: She’s gone to the bathroom.

And you can see why Rachel is luxuriating herself so long and neglecting her babysitting duties. This bathroom is HUGE! Though I don’t envy Rachel when Dr. Floyd gets back from the moon.

Dr Floyd: Don’t suppose you have any idea what the damn thing is, huh?
Dr. Rolf Halvorsen: Wish to hell we did.

It’s a backyard patio, a bunch of flower pots and two awesome chairs dummy!

HAL: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

It’s cool, HAL, I’m over it. Let’s offer one another an olive branch, take a stroll down the backyard path and forget about the whole thing. Just promise me you won’t kill the rest of my crew the next time we try to figure out what’s up with that weird monolith thing again.

Heat and hot water ARE included. YESSSSS!

Small pets are cool. Mew.

Available December 15th, 2013: A Lease Odyssey.

Map here.

Throw a bone up in the air or just email me for a closer look at this Greenpoint star port.

$3600 – 3br in G’pt Puts the “Ja!” in your Java (Greenpoint Ave. G)

In Greenpoint, the streets have cool names.

Here’s on on Java Street which, if you want, can be pronounced “Jawa.”

– Here be the third bedroom or indoor botanic garden.

Unobstructed skyline views? Sure, no prob.

Vintagy but totally nice kitchen? You gotz it.

Totally bright and eat-in kitchen for those breakfasty moments.

It appears to be a totally normal sized bedroom but in fact, is slightly larger.

Your current sleeping situation giving you a headache? Add an extra window to this bedroom and call me in the morning.

Closets for days ‘n days ‘n days.

Helloooo! Echooo! Sloth love Chunk! Big ‘ol living room that even Chester Copperpot would be proud to display his booty.

Snappy new bathroom with laundry machines. You have arrived.

Snappy new bathroom. You have arrived.

– Available June 1st, 2013.

– Heat/hot water included.

– No fee if lease signed by June 1.

– Sorry no pets. Mew.

– Map here.

Hit me up asap!

❤

$2500 – 3br Railroad in Greenpoint WOO-WOO! (Nassau Ave. G, Graham Ave. L)

A train whistle blows in the distance. You’re standing at the station with great anticipation. You’re not sure where you’re going but you’re damn sure where you’ve been. It’s time to move on.

All aboard!

Red and white awnings always seem welcoming to me, especially juxtaposed with stone-colore shingles.

Red and white awnings always scream “welcome!” to me, especially juxtaposed with stone-colored shingles.

If you’re lucky enough to get this room, you’ll have two windows and a tree right outside.

You lose a window but you gain some darkness which, who knows, could come in handy.

No actual windows in this kitchen/living space BUT what better a place is there for cinema-like screenings of Netflix on your hi-fi system?

Lots of potential for the culinary arts in this minimally apportioned commissary.

Tub it up! But please scrub it up first.

This bedroom is in the far rear reaches of the unit where the only sound is that of birds twittering on their iPhones.

– Available now.

– Heat/hot water included.

– Map here.

Give a jingle (seven 1 eight three 9 five 7 two six one)! Let’s mingle!

$2200 – 2br Minimalism with a Splash of Color (Nassau Ave. G or Graham Ave. L)

Rarely does design figure into standard rental apartment inventory but when it does, the results can be subtle yet impacting.

I shall guide you with my trained eyes to see the artful forest through the trees.

From the outside, a six-family house. From the inside, a mystical land full of enchanted wood nymphs.

Sparcity is in and credit to this designer for using mostly foldable furniture, you can get a better sense of the space available here.

Sparcity is IN and credit to this designer for using mostly foldable furniture. You can really get a better sense of the space that’s available here.

I’ll see your standard kitchen and RAISE you a chartreuse wall.

Cleanse the woe of the world away in your own PRIVATE bathroom.

Minimalism in furnishings and “fast-food yellow” on the walls certainly riles the finger-pointers whose maligned criticism seems, to this lister, baseless. In fact, to the experienced eye it should be regarded as high art.

There's a certain magic natural and artificial light play on the senses, especially when bouncing off green walls and an impressive collection of empty wine bottles.

There’s a certain magic that natural and artificial light play on the senses, especially when bouncing off green walls and an impressive collection of empty wine bottles.

– Layout offers opposite side of the unit separation between both bedrooms.

– Available March 1st.

– Cats only. MEOW!

– Heat/hot water included.

– Laundry nearby.

– Map here.

Give a holler by commenting if you’d like to set up an appointment!

$1200 – 1br Antique Boutique Share

How bout a room in Greenpoint, utilities included, with a vivacious and interesting antique dealer/journalist?

Have a browse around.

– Yes, there are some things on the stove and in the sink but it’s a market day and I showed up super early for these voyeuristic photos.

– This is actually the current tenant (your future roommate’s) studio doubling as a living room. Feel free to have a sit down amid the curious collection of ephemera!

– Ahhh… your future domain. That quilt or those boxes won’t be in there much longer but the love seat under the quilt and the dresser on the right are yours to enjoy.