Unless you’ve traveled from Brooklyn to Jupiter and back at .9 times the speed of light over the course of five years, you may be a bit disoriented because 11.47 years would’ve passed here on earth. Not only are all your friends now “so over New York and living in Venice Beach,” you’ve missed how exponentially awesomer Greenpoint has gotten since you left. Now that you’re back, here’s your chance to touch the monolith.
For your “twistening” pleasure:
Dave Bowman: My God, it’s full of stars!
- Er, vinyl siding. Slightly obscured by the shrub is the “DENTIST” awning signifying the former tenant and your wide-open potential for an amateur crack at a new cottage venture.
Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
- Don’t listen to HAL. Come right in and slide on your socks all the way to the kitchen if you want.
HAL: I’ve just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It’s going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.
- That’s a shop vac, HAL, and it’ll be outta there before you move (float) in. Unless you were referring to the electric fireplace because no, there’s no problem with it at all, it totally works. Stupid HAL.
[choosing sandwiches from a cooler while flying over the lunar surface]
Dr. Floyd: What’s that? Chicken?
Dr. Bill Michaels: Something like that. Tastes the same anyway.
- Whether your dinner guests are astrophysicists or not, you’ll have fine time preparing your astronaut ice cream pouches in this space-aged kitchen.
[on Dave’s return to the ship, after HAL has killed the rest of the crew]
HAL: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
- Hopefully you’ll have better luck with HAL than Dave but if you do end up taking that stress pill, here’s your bedroom where you can lie down and think things over.
Dave Bowman: Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL?
HAL: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Dave Bowman: What’s the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
- The pod bay (closet) doors are wide open, as you can see, despite HAL’s insubordination, and full of space for odysseys of storage. Dr. Frank Poole and I will do our best to disconnect HAL before you move in so as to avoid any unfortunate disputes.
Floyd’s Daughter: Hello?
Dr. Floyd: Hello!
Floyd’s Daughter: Hello.
Dr. Floyd: How’re you doing, squirt?
Floyd’s Daughter: All right.
Dr. Floyd: What are you doing?
Floyd’s Daughter: Playing.
Dr. Floyd: Where’s mommy?
Floyd’s Daughter: Gone to shopping.
Dr. Floyd: Well, who’s taking care of you?
Floyd’s Daughter: Rachel.
Dr. Floyd: May I speak to Rachel, please?
Floyd’s Daughter: She’s gone to the bathroom.
- And you can see why Rachel is luxuriating herself so long and neglecting her babysitting duties. This bathroom is HUGE! Though I don’t envy Rachel when Dr. Floyd gets back from the moon.
Dr Floyd: Don’t suppose you have any idea what the damn thing is, huh?
Dr. Rolf Halvorsen: Wish to hell we did.
- It’s a backyard patio, a bunch of flower pots and two awesome chairs dummy!
HAL: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.
- It’s cool, HAL, I’m over it. Let’s offer one another an olive branch, take a stroll down the backyard path and forget about the whole thing. Just promise me you won’t kill the rest of my crew the next time we try to figure out what’s up with that weird monolith thing again.
- Heat and hot water ARE included. YESSSSS!
- Small pets are cool. Mew.
- Available December 15th, 2013: A Lease Odyssey.
Throw a bone up in the air or just email me for a closer look at this Greenpoint star port.
TWISTED LISTER 