$2400 – 3br: GIGANTOR the Williamsburger! (Nassau G)

WEEW!  Just got a call from the Loft Ninja and he’s so down to join cataclysmic sales and leasing forces with I, Mr. Lister Twister!  (sound of giant explosion happening in the background).

While I haven’t seen with my own mortal eyes, my prescient “chosen one”  mind’s eye has shown me… THIS!

- Ah ha!  A fully formed kitchen.  The quantum particles are all in place and ready to make toast.

- (fingers pressing forcefully into temples) I…I’m making out a door… YES!  A door that leads to other rooms… something which I think… YES!  It’s a hallway!

- Do you smell smoke?  Wait… NO!  That’s a frireplace!  Is it working?  My senses cannot tell but I’ll ask.

- Is a dimensional portal?  NO!  It’s a window in a room, quite possibly best used for a bedroom.  Can’t psychically tell if there’s a closet in here or not… but maybe this is just that “3rd bedroom” that’s really best used as a Mac lab.

- Oh sweet mystery of life… almost positive this is one of the two actual bedrooms.

- My powers of prescience are fading… this is either another shot of the “through-the-doorway” angle above or the other of the two bedrooms.  DAMN YOU UNIVERSE!!!

- Available asap.

- Not sure about heat/hot water but like most places in the G’pt/W’brg borderlands, it’s not.

- Map here.

Use the comment box to access my thoughts and I’ll send you a psychic email.

$1800 – Studio of Ft. Greeneness (Fulton G, Lafayette C)

Hey!  Ho!  Wadda ya know?  Got another studio, yo-yo-yo!

Regardez.

- It’s a bit dim because it was like 7pm and I wasn’t using the flash but you can get a halfway decent feel for the space.   I mean, it’s a studio… what were you expecting?  Did that sound jerky?  I meant, “it’s a studio… um… okay?”

-KA-YOOT kitchen.  Simply precious.  Here you can make dainty little meals for yourself nonstop.

- La douche.  That’s French for “shower.”  Here you can douche yourself… or as we Americans say, “shower yourself.”

- PA-LENTEEE of room for a boogie board and the ephemera of your wanderings.  Just look at those hand built shelves!  They’re staying so don’t worry yourself.

- Just think how spooky it’ll be on Halloween night when the sun sets and casts this eerie twilight glow through your awesome old school small-paned window and you’ll be all set to go in your hand-made chain mail knight outfit and you’ll give out a battle cry that shakes the Masonic temple down the street as you venture out on an eve of all hallows!

MUHUHAAHAHAH!

- Heat and hot water included (electricity is not but it’s like $9/month).

- Available as soon as you are.

- Map here.

Comment, brave knight, and ye’ shall be challenged!

$2100 – 2br SNEAK FREAK (Graham L & Nassau G)

Trying out this iPhone app thingy ding dong.

The following is a place in one of my really good friend/biz partner’s buiding on the 3rd floor of this absolute gem of an old school Greenpoint pre-war apartment.

Entrée!

Since I can’t caption everything like I’m used to, just know that the craftsmanship is all by hand, original details preserved, and there are windows throughout.

While a single person or tasteful couple could live here quite comfortably, the potential for it to function as a share is imminently possible.

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

- Pets are Jim Dandy.

- Not sure about utilities yet.

- Located on the corner of Newton St. and McGuinness Blvd.

Comment and ye shall receive your dues.

$2600 – 1br Fancy Pants (Bergen F,G)

What’s pomp without circumstance?

The bi-level backyard, bay windows for your breakfast nook, and mysterious ticket booth/closet all form like a fancy Voltron into one haughty home on Henry.

Let’s go!  Voltron form!

- Lucite blades fan you with modern winds over your ample living/dining space.

- Stupidly nice kitchen.  I actually prefer the old nice ovens… kinda kills me when people who think themselves gastronomes reject these appliances because of their age.  They just don’t make ‘em like they used to!

- Put this in your crock and roast it!  Smart storage and LOTS of it.

- Here’s the real custard buster… bay windows surrounding a kitchen breakfast nook and the door that leads…

- …to your Zenned-out bi-level private Om garden.  SHANTI-SHANTI-SHAN-TIHI!

- The upper level of Zen garden existence.  Don’t like the color of those fence boards?  Paint ‘em!  Stain ‘em!  Grow some climbers on ‘em!  It’s YOURS!

- Nothing all too flashy about the bedroom thought it’s quite large.  It’s at the front of the building but the street outside is dead quiet.

- Wasn’t quite sure what to make of this oddity.  A section of the bedroom wall has been cut out to allow light to enter a very narrow cubby that’s either a decent sized closet, a ticket booth to charge admission to your guests when you have those underground dinner party masquerades, a place for bedroom marionette performances, a new way to install an elaborate entertainment system, or your private bedroom bar.

- Who says storage isn’t important?  You’ve got this in addition to the above mystery booth just for your bedroom.

- All the things you’d expect to find in a bathroom are, in fact, there.

- Laundry in the basement.

- Pets are welcome.

- Heat/hot water ARE included.  YESSS!

- Map here.

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

Got a comment?  Post it!  It’s the only way I know you exist!

$2800 – 3brs of Park Slope NICEY-nice (Union St. M,R)

The math totally works on this one – three people, less than $1,000 each AND heat/hot water are included.

Say WORD!

- Living space.  The final frontier.

- Dinner party anyone?  Kitchen is OPEN for business!  “Hey man, you need help with those dishes.” Nope. No worries, man… I got a damn dishwasher.

- Bedroom 1: Looks like FUN!

- Bedroom 2: Squibbily doo!

- Bedroom 3: Maybe not for me because it’s a little teeny-weeny.  But if you have to pee, you’ll be singin’ tweedily DEE [because it's right near the bathroom...]

- …which is right here.  Majorly into the foggy-glass-window-in-the-shower thing and the black/white tiles.  Save a few bucks, our fragile ocean marine habitat, and some hundreds of thousands of years not having to bio-degrade PVC shower cutrains too.

- Pets seem rad.

- Heat/hot water IN-CLOO-DID. Yup!

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

- Map here.

May the lone journeyman or journeywoman come forth and claim thy castle (by commenting).

$1500 – 1br, Fast and Loose (Prospect Ave. M,R)

South Slope is still the mild mild west but there’s always the random troubadour who’s dying to get in on one of these slightly run down, relatively cental, quite spacious places.

Come hither…

- Pretty giant-sized kitchen/living space.  Guess those high Cylon-eye windows are so you can forget about the squalor that is 4th Ave.

- Kitchen and yes, a dishwasher.  Tada!

- A sliver of a bathroom but it’s all ready for you to clean it, Mr. Swiffer!

- I found this bedroom rather difficult to photograph because it’s such a long and somewhat narrow room.  So there’s the first angle…

- …and there’s the other.

- Utilities are NOT included.  Lame.

- Laundry is on the corner.  Not too bad.

- Pets gotta be cool… how could the landlord deny you the companionship of a pet.

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

- Map here.

Give me a little dose of your comment juice, will ya!?

$3000 – 2br in a GORGEOUS Brownstone (Bergen 2,3, & 7th Ave. B, Q)

Funny how things work sometimes.  This place is RIGHT across the street from the listing below!  WEIRD!  Sorry… I get excited about stupid shit.

OBSERVE!

- Again, big fan of this landlord’s beautiful old brownstones.  Stoops are always a big plus in my book.

- Pretty dope living space: crazy high ceilings, bay windows, skylights… it’s a charmer.

- Totally doable kitchen.  Not the newest appliances but they work, there’s counter space, and hey look!  A dishwasher!  No way!

- Of the two bedrooms here, this would probably be considered the “2nd.” Situations that benefit from this cute little cabin are: 1. A couple with their buddy from college who’s looking for a place to crash for a while. 2. A couple who needs an adequately sized home office, loves this part of Park Slope, and digs the idea of having 1.5 bathrooms.

- Here’s your 1 (left) .5 (right) bathrooms.  The .5 is attached to the “master” bedroom shown below…

- …here it is!  Situated at the back of the building, quiet, sunny enough for a place for sleeping and it’s attached to it’s own bathroom.  Sweet!

- Utilities are NOT included.  Bummster.

- Pets are presumably COOL!

- Laundry is in the building.

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

- Map here.

Comment now… or later.

$2400 – 2br Doin’ the Ben Franklin (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Me, ding dong!! I’m your downstairs neighbor!  It’s the building I live in and there’s an apartment available up there on the 3rd floor!!!

- Lalala living room… ahh….  Pretty ridiculous amount of space to sprawl.

Do you know me?  If not, it’s cool… this is still a free country and you can live wherever you want.

- KA-RAAZZZY kitchen.  Newish and still nice.

It’s just that I do a fair amount of charcoal grilling, gardening, and every once in a while, I do a bit of sunbathing.

- Plop, plop.  Whiz, whiz… oh, what a relief it is… to have a decent bathroom.  We have the ooogly brown cabinet where you get the nice white.  (jel)

Not just the kind of sunbathing where you fish out on a towel for an hour… this involves a 12′ inflatable pool, a sci-fi novel, and a purple Speedo.

- This is how the left and right bedrooms are laid out.  The one on the right kind of turns a mini corner and has the duel window action.

Why should you care?  Because your potential new bedroom overlooks me in all my glory… the howling… the gurgling… the borrowing of salt… the reggae… the uninhibited and often unannounced spontaneous freak-outs that happen semi-regularly?

- Heat and hot water NOT included (sux).

- Available May 15th, 2009.

- Map here.

Comment!  Tell me your thoughts on speedos and if you want this place.

$2750 – 1br Grand Accomodations on Grand (Bedford L)

This crib still has the good vibes from its last tenant (my friend and brilliant writer).  It’s a 1br loft, mega luxurious, titanic windows, laundry hookups, dishwasher… the whole nine.

Shall we have a look-see?

- This is a pretty good overview of what you’ve got – sleeping loft up above the kitchen, fully stocked and new kitchen, and there’s the dining section of your massive, gaping, ginormous living space.

- If you were to sit in the middle of the room and look both ways 180 degrees in opposite directions, this is how the world would look to you in there.

- Admittedly, I’m fetishizing this living room but it’s nearly impossible to capture the enormity of these windows, the light, and the feeling that 18′ ceilings provide.  Oh, and there are two balconies out there – great for parades!

- This is where you put your bed.  Not sure of the dimensions but you can totally squeeze a queen sized frame in there.

- This is where you put your clothes… and a guest lodger if necessary… it’s huge in there.

- Back to back kitchen views!  The one on the left is a little bit closer up so you can feast your eyes on your NEW DISHWASHER!  No more dish pan hands!

- Just in case you didn’t believe me, here’s the washer/dryer hookups.  These babies are rare.

- What lux condo rental would be complete wihout a hyper-modern bathroom?  So inviting…

- Available 2/1/09

- Heat/hot water not included.  Sorry

- Map here.

Comment on this post and I’ll get right back to ya!

$1525-2400 – From Studio to 2br, it’s Greenpoint GALORE! (Greenpoint Ave. G)

This may prove to be the longest post I’ve attempted thus far.  Alas, it is not only a pleasure but my DUTY to perform.

Allons-y!

STUDIO

- To begin at the beginning, we’ll start with the studio.  394 sq.ft. of living space on the 1st floor for $1525 ain’t too shabby.  My only worry is the “beer spa” opening up right next door.  Could mean a good chance for you to demand a lifetime supply (or at least 12-months) of free suds.

- I just noticed this but I think that’s an induction range up there.  Super-efficient and functional.  Clean layout and plenty of counter space.

- Nicely tiled, marbled, and never used.  What’s up with that weird ghost on the wall?

2-BEDROOM CENTER

- Same (1st) floor, 2br, 785 sq. ft., listed at $2150/month.  Weird thing about this is that it’s in the middle of the building so there aren’t actually any windows that look out onto a street, per se.  It’s loaded  with skylights that makes it feel a little like the underground space farm where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

- Skylights a-poppin’, here’s what the two bedrooms look like side-by-side.  Definitely has nice privacy and separation for roomies but still, it’s that Star Wars feel that could be hit or miss.

- Kitchen!  Look familiar?  Everything looks VERY homogeneous but I assure you, this is the spread you’ll find adoring this particular unit.  You’ll see.

- Again, a familiar but welcome sight – clean, neat, and never used.

- One thing this unit seems to be lacking are closets.  I think there’s one but I can’t remember.  They made it hard to reach up for it with some overhead storage atop the kitchen.  And hey, there’s those Star Wars skylights again!

1-BEDROOM REAR

- I was’t trying to make this a sci-fi themed episode, but as you venture further down this Death Star-like corridor away from the underground space farm pictured above, you’ll come to some rather charming rear 1br units.  The living rooms have lots of natural light and you can get a peek of the decorative fireplace in the bedroom back there.  They’re listed between 1900-2500, depending on outdoor space availability (the 2nd image above shows the patio door).

- Here’s that bedroom I alluded to earlier.  Cute right?

- I love chrome.

- Here’s where that patio door leads.  I’m told a wood deck will be added along with a railing so you can’t peek down into the Star Wars space farms below.

- The other rear 1br has a stairwell that leads up to this roof deck and again, from what I’m told, it’s private and there will be some kind of decking in the near future.  Sick view.

1-BEDROOM FRONT

- Much of how this complex is laid out needs a proper walk-through to be truly understood but this here side of the building looks out over Greenpoint Ave.  Everything look a bit more standard to me on this side  but certainly you have a bright living room just aching to be furnished.

- A cyclops of the latter image but there’s plenty of room for a big ol’ bed in there.  Behind me there’s the bathroom and a closet.

- What I tell ya.

- No surpises here!

- It’s up to you which water tower you like better but I personally prefer this photo.  Good cell phone reception up here too.

1-BEDROOM CENTER

- I didn’t do this intentionally but I actually saved the most bizarre interesting for last.  What’s shown is what I think is being called a “1br” in the center of the lot with skylights bearing the only natural light in the unit.  Above is what you see when you walk in… feels a little like wandering onto the set of THX-1138.

- Master Control… FINISH THE GAME!  Oh… sorry.  Tron reference.  Um… this is the “bedroom.”  (Play Twilight Zone theme music here.)

- Are we there yet?

- I’ll be in the tub if you need me.

- You read all the way down to the end of this post only to find a picture of a closet.  SUCKER!!!  Jk.  It’s a closet, see!  Okay, wrap it up, punchy.

- Available November, 2008.

- Doesn’t seem that the landlord is paying for much or any in the way of heat and/or hot water.

- Pets RULE!

- Coin-op laundry in the building (soon) but there’s the laundry place right on Franklin run by the nice Spanish lady and the mean Asian lady.

- A moonwalk from the Greenpoint Ave G.  I’m not going into the G’s defense but if you time it right, it’s there.

- Map here.

Comment now if you can even stand to at this point.

PS. Thanks for your patience.