$2400 – 3br: GIGANTOR the Williamsburger! (Nassau G)

WEEW!  Just got a call from the Loft Ninja and he’s so down to join cataclysmic sales and leasing forces with I, Mr. Lister Twister!  (sound of giant explosion happening in the background).

While I haven’t seen with my own mortal eyes, my prescient “chosen one”  mind’s eye has shown me… THIS!

- Ah ha!  A fully formed kitchen.  The quantum particles are all in place and ready to make toast.

- (fingers pressing forcefully into temples) I…I’m making out a door… YES!  A door that leads to other rooms… something which I think… YES!  It’s a hallway!

- Do you smell smoke?  Wait… NO!  That’s a frireplace!  Is it working?  My senses cannot tell but I’ll ask.

- Is a dimensional portal?  NO!  It’s a window in a room, quite possibly best used for a bedroom.  Can’t psychically tell if there’s a closet in here or not… but maybe this is just that “3rd bedroom” that’s really best used as a Mac lab.

- Oh sweet mystery of life… almost positive this is one of the two actual bedrooms.

- My powers of prescience are fading… this is either another shot of the “through-the-doorway” angle above or the other of the two bedrooms.  DAMN YOU UNIVERSE!!!

- Available asap.

- Not sure about heat/hot water but like most places in the G’pt/W’brg borderlands, it’s not.

- Map here.

Use the comment box to access my thoughts and I’ll send you a psychic email.

$2100 – 2br SNEAK FREAK (Graham L & Nassau G)

Trying out this iPhone app thingy ding dong.

The following is a place in one of my really good friend/biz partner’s buiding on the 3rd floor of this absolute gem of an old school Greenpoint pre-war apartment.

Entrée!

Since I can’t caption everything like I’m used to, just know that the craftsmanship is all by hand, original details preserved, and there are windows throughout.

While a single person or tasteful couple could live here quite comfortably, the potential for it to function as a share is imminently possible.

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

- Pets are Jim Dandy.

- Not sure about utilities yet.

- Located on the corner of Newton St. and McGuinness Blvd.

Comment and ye shall receive your dues.

$2400 – 2br Doin’ the Ben Franklin (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Me, ding dong!! I’m your downstairs neighbor!  It’s the building I live in and there’s an apartment available up there on the 3rd floor!!!

- Lalala living room… ahh….  Pretty ridiculous amount of space to sprawl.

Do you know me?  If not, it’s cool… this is still a free country and you can live wherever you want.

- KA-RAAZZZY kitchen.  Newish and still nice.

It’s just that I do a fair amount of charcoal grilling, gardening, and every once in a while, I do a bit of sunbathing.

- Plop, plop.  Whiz, whiz… oh, what a relief it is… to have a decent bathroom.  We have the ooogly brown cabinet where you get the nice white.  (jel)

Not just the kind of sunbathing where you fish out on a towel for an hour… this involves a 12′ inflatable pool, a sci-fi novel, and a purple Speedo.

- This is how the left and right bedrooms are laid out.  The one on the right kind of turns a mini corner and has the duel window action.

Why should you care?  Because your potential new bedroom overlooks me in all my glory… the howling… the gurgling… the borrowing of salt… the reggae… the uninhibited and often unannounced spontaneous freak-outs that happen semi-regularly?

- Heat and hot water NOT included (sux).

- Available May 15th, 2009.

- Map here.

Comment!  Tell me your thoughts on speedos and if you want this place.

$1525-2400 – From Studio to 2br, it’s Greenpoint GALORE! (Greenpoint Ave. G)

This may prove to be the longest post I’ve attempted thus far.  Alas, it is not only a pleasure but my DUTY to perform.

Allons-y!

STUDIO

- To begin at the beginning, we’ll start with the studio.  394 sq.ft. of living space on the 1st floor for $1525 ain’t too shabby.  My only worry is the “beer spa” opening up right next door.  Could mean a good chance for you to demand a lifetime supply (or at least 12-months) of free suds.

- I just noticed this but I think that’s an induction range up there.  Super-efficient and functional.  Clean layout and plenty of counter space.

- Nicely tiled, marbled, and never used.  What’s up with that weird ghost on the wall?

2-BEDROOM CENTER

- Same (1st) floor, 2br, 785 sq. ft., listed at $2150/month.  Weird thing about this is that it’s in the middle of the building so there aren’t actually any windows that look out onto a street, per se.  It’s loaded  with skylights that makes it feel a little like the underground space farm where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

- Skylights a-poppin’, here’s what the two bedrooms look like side-by-side.  Definitely has nice privacy and separation for roomies but still, it’s that Star Wars feel that could be hit or miss.

- Kitchen!  Look familiar?  Everything looks VERY homogeneous but I assure you, this is the spread you’ll find adoring this particular unit.  You’ll see.

- Again, a familiar but welcome sight – clean, neat, and never used.

- One thing this unit seems to be lacking are closets.  I think there’s one but I can’t remember.  They made it hard to reach up for it with some overhead storage atop the kitchen.  And hey, there’s those Star Wars skylights again!

1-BEDROOM REAR

- I was’t trying to make this a sci-fi themed episode, but as you venture further down this Death Star-like corridor away from the underground space farm pictured above, you’ll come to some rather charming rear 1br units.  The living rooms have lots of natural light and you can get a peek of the decorative fireplace in the bedroom back there.  They’re listed between 1900-2500, depending on outdoor space availability (the 2nd image above shows the patio door).

- Here’s that bedroom I alluded to earlier.  Cute right?

- I love chrome.

- Here’s where that patio door leads.  I’m told a wood deck will be added along with a railing so you can’t peek down into the Star Wars space farms below.

- The other rear 1br has a stairwell that leads up to this roof deck and again, from what I’m told, it’s private and there will be some kind of decking in the near future.  Sick view.

1-BEDROOM FRONT

- Much of how this complex is laid out needs a proper walk-through to be truly understood but this here side of the building looks out over Greenpoint Ave.  Everything look a bit more standard to me on this side  but certainly you have a bright living room just aching to be furnished.

- A cyclops of the latter image but there’s plenty of room for a big ol’ bed in there.  Behind me there’s the bathroom and a closet.

- What I tell ya.

- No surpises here!

- It’s up to you which water tower you like better but I personally prefer this photo.  Good cell phone reception up here too.

1-BEDROOM CENTER

- I didn’t do this intentionally but I actually saved the most bizarre interesting for last.  What’s shown is what I think is being called a “1br” in the center of the lot with skylights bearing the only natural light in the unit.  Above is what you see when you walk in… feels a little like wandering onto the set of THX-1138.

- Master Control… FINISH THE GAME!  Oh… sorry.  Tron reference.  Um… this is the “bedroom.”  (Play Twilight Zone theme music here.)

- Are we there yet?

- I’ll be in the tub if you need me.

- You read all the way down to the end of this post only to find a picture of a closet.  SUCKER!!!  Jk.  It’s a closet, see!  Okay, wrap it up, punchy.

- Available November, 2008.

- Doesn’t seem that the landlord is paying for much or any in the way of heat and/or hot water.

- Pets RULE!

- Coin-op laundry in the building (soon) but there’s the laundry place right on Franklin run by the nice Spanish lady and the mean Asian lady.

- A moonwalk from the Greenpoint Ave G.  I’m not going into the G’s defense but if you time it right, it’s there.

- Map here.

Comment now if you can even stand to at this point.

PS. Thanks for your patience.

$1675 – Greasemonkey Paradise (Greenpoint Ave. G)

While one of the lovliest commodes I’ve seen about town, it doesn’t quite save this botched up slosh job of a Polsky finger bang reno.  There is an absolutely enchanted backyard clearly well maintained by the previous dog-owning tenants but I still can’t see how they both slept in what defies my descriptive gifts -  essentially, it’s a pantry.

We’re all over the place with Willy Wonky’s Funged-Up Freak Show so stay with me:

- Just steps away from every kind of automotive repair you’ll ever need.
- In the hulking shadow of the Newtown Creek Sewage Treatment Facility’s alien digestor eggs (nothing thrills me more than to think of giant digestor eggs down my block… so sci-fi).
- Hope you like ladders because you’ll be climbing one to get to your “fort” every night (truly must be seen to be beieved).
- A deep and haunting hallway leads into a beautiful Brooklyney parlor with wide plank floors.
- Crackheaded kitchen with slop sink on one side, cheap particle board shelves, and munged up appliances on the other.
- Beatific backyard that almost makes life worth it’s proximity to the Pootown Creek Funk Factory.
- Available August 1st.

Comment now!

PS. My gratitude to the cute upstairs neighbor who so kindly helped inspire some of my observations.

View map here.

$1450 – Saddle up, your 1br with FARMLAND is HERE! (Greenpoint G/Vernon-Jackson 7)

Takes a lot to wow me these days and this was a wow moment.

Totally freakin’ affordible with more land than most suburban homes to plant, cultivate, and drop out of society completely.

- One true bedroom with Turkish dome archway for your beaded curtain.
- Smallish living room but large enough to sprawl out (provided you’re not 6′7″).
- New floors!
- I’m guessing new appliances but as you can see from the pics in the gallery, not up to Batali’s standards.
- For that one bath you take in the dark winter months, there’s a tub.
- Available August 1st.
- But who cares about any of this when you have a COLOSSAL MEGA HONKING BACKYARD????

Comment now or you’ve let yet another golden opportunity pass you by like so much wind through the blades of grass in the backyard of your dreams…

View map here.

$2000 – Railroad Redesign: Why don’t they ALL do this???

Living in the “Capital of the World,” one might jump to the conclusion that New Yorkers have reached a certain quality of life plateau where two people could share an apartment without one of them sleeping in a room with no windows, natural light, or ventilation.  Such is the case with the vast majority of floor-through, or so-called “railroad” apartments especially in Brooklyn.  Such is NOT the case with this fabulous redesign:

-Two actual bedrooms on separate sides of the unit with doors and locks – how novel.
-Square footage that could satisfy the grungiest of Austrian loft zealots.
-New kitchen appliances, counter tops, and cabinets that may actually inspire you to start cooking.
-Subway tiled bathroom, not drunken Polish style floral patterns.
-Closets so big you can sublet them to your college drop-out step brother.
-A hop, skip, jump, and a 1/2 block more hopping to the Greenpoint Ave. G.
-Feast on Northern Greenpoint’s cornucopia of economy proof liquor stores, fruit stands, butchers, bars, and restaurants.
-Sorry, no pets.
-Available August 15th, 2008.

I’ve got this on my plate for a week and then it goes public so comment and let’s make some moves!

View the map here.

$1450 – 1br of Maximum Funkiness! (G’pt Ave. G)

Not funky because it’s gross but funky because it’s AWESOME!  Well, it’s good… maybe “awesome” would be better after it’s done being renovated and you’ve added your personal design touches:

- Well lit true 1br in Northern Greenpoint.
- New renovation (as you can see, they’re doing the work now).
- Quiet street and convenient to the wonderful world of Greenpoint.
- Not sure what’s up with that TV but I think it’s being used as a work bench.

Shall we view? Comment!

View map here.

$1850 – Happy Couple Nuzzle Nest (G’pt Ave. G)

Lame headline but AWESOME apartment!  I haven’t actually spoken to the landlord on this one but it’s still up for grabs as far as I know.

- Sunlight to blind you.
- View of the freakin Manhattan skyline from the eat-in kitchen.
- Two fake fireplaces (all class).
- Big ‘ol bedroom for your king-sized Temperpedic.
- Ultra cute 3 story house right in the mega-chill area of N. Greenpoint.

If you’re viewing this today, we may already be too late.  Leave a comment and let’s go get ‘eem!

View the map here.

$1600 – Bob Barker Special! (Nassau G/Graham L)

If price is the bottom line for you, this unit has some bang for that buck:

- Sunny as all hell.
- Street parking (for you gas guzzlers)
- Short walk to the Graham L and even shorter to the Nassau G.
- Storage galore.
- Square footage for sprawling.
- Stupendous landlord (my old one in fact).

I didn’t try to alliterate those superlatives but it just came out that way. Have a peep at the pics and give a shout!

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