$1499 & 1899 – 1br vs. “2br” and it makes me wonder (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Happy Passover y’all!  If real estate inevitably came up as a topic at last nights Sadr, here’s something you can ponder at the next one – How do two identical apartments have a difference in rent of $400, the more expensive having no closets?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Unit D – $1499

- This hallway actually takes you back in time.

- Pretty much as standard as standard living rooms come.  I mean, there’s a window(?)

- Positioned in the rear of the building, I’ll say this is a very quiet place to put your bed.  That radiator makes things crazy cozy in here too.

- Not one but TWO closets, one in the bedroom and one in the hallway.  SAWEEET!

- Not the worst place to do your duty.

- Sufficient to say I was blown away to find a dishwasher in here.  There’s actually enough room to put a little breakfast table.  Quaint.

- Heat/hot water are INCLUDED.

- Pets are totally cool.

- Available nowish.

- Map here.

Unit C – $1899

- The layout is completely different in this one located directly next door to the unit described above.  Square footage-wise, I couldn’t detect a lick of difference.  Anyway, here’s the living room.

- Here’s one of the bedrooms or whatever you wanna call it.  Where’s the closet?

- Yet another room technically recognized as a bedroom but it’s anybody’s guess what to actually do with it.  Um, will we be seeing a closet in here at some point?

- Again, totally acceptable albeit cramped.

- Okay so I’ve been through this place twice now and no sign of ANY closets.  The kitchen cabinets and some hooks by the front door are the only indications that the management cares if people store their stuff off the floor.  I’m still dumbfounded that they sprung for a dishwasher but couldn’t squeeze in a damn closet… and $400 bucks more than the place next door?  Nuh-uh.

- Heat/hot water INCLUDED.

- Pets are totally cool.

- Available nowish.

- Map here.

Leave your comments as they’re not only useful in making me giggle but so I can respond to you if you actually want to view these spots.

$2800 – 3br in luxury’s leggy lap (G’pt Ave. G)

Thanks to my new RE partner and straight shootin’ neighborhood dude, Ion Birch, it’s as if the plumage of the superb bird of paradise has unfurled before me.

Your Greenpoint paradise hideaway-nest awaits your elaborate mating dance:

- Dropped back and yet, sticks out somehow.

- Look, we’re not here to discuss design, taste, art, or artistry so let’s keep it simple – this space is 16′x12′ = 192sf of living room.

- I do like some lucite things.  Kitchen.  DoucheDishwasher too!

- The first of two bathrooms!  Always remember to keep the seats down, please.

- The first of three bedrooms. 12′x9′ = 108sf

- Bedroom number two (huh-huh). 10′x15′ = 150sf of number two!

- The Supreme Master Bedroom with ergonomic office chair. 11′x15′ = 165sf of chair rolling fun.

- I’m pretty sure those nipple spouty things in the tub are jets for [cue the Price is Right theme song] YOUR NEW JACUZZI TUB!

- [Price is Right theme still going] [BARKER] Tell ‘em what else they get, Rod! [RODDY] You and guest will be staying at the GRAND CLOSET hotel and casino in beautiful sunny Acapulco, Mexicoooooo!  It’s the only place in town where you’ll find a GRAND CLOSET, in every room.

- [RODDY] All that tubbin’ and scrub-a-dubbin’ will make you wanna do your laundry… IN YOUR NEW WASHER AND DRYER!!!

- Hey, cool out Jack!  A hulking massive floating AC zips that whole house cold when it’s hot.  Baseboard heaters are there for when it’s not.

- Where?

- OH HERE! Next to the Marshall’s impound lot only a short block away from where this apartment lies.  “See ya later honey, I’m goin’ to play pinball down by the car pound!”  Brilliance, in life, although fleeting, exists.

- Heat IS YES ABSOLUTELY INDEED included.

- Gas and electric are not.

- Landlord wants a direct monthly deposit set up in order to receive the benefit of the rent reduction from 3400 to the now 2800.  I know that sounds like bullshit but it’s actually true.

- Available Jan 1, 2010.  HAPPY NEW DECADE!

- Map here.

Obviously we must be respectful of the kind individuals living there now so weekday afternoons around 2p is good to view and so are weekends around 11a.

Comment here and througheth thou shall pass.

$1650 – 1br Backyard Beauty of the Month (Bergen 2,3 & 7th Ave. B, Q)

Can one person handle this much private open space in Brooklyn?

We seek to answer that question and many more, here, at Twisted Lister:

- I’ve become a fan of this landlord’s buildings.  All seem really solid, nice looking, great locations, and interior work leaning toward restoration than gut renovation.

- Not exactly fit for a Chef de Cuisine but it’s open enough.  I’d recommend a collapsible shelf installed on that wall between the stove and the closet to add more counter space.

- Here’s the reasonably adequate living space.  Behind you is the kitchen (pictured above) and through that door…

- …is the backyard of pure paradise.  Super deep, perfectly shady, pleasantly sunny, and includes a cool furniture set left by the previous tenants (thanks guys!).

- A 1br wouldn’t be complete without a bedroom.  Tiny but I can still see it being perfectly livable. It’s size, from what I’m told, is where most of the complaints come from.  Still a good size for anyone looking to live minimally.

- I caught Park Place on a really pretty afternoon.  The neighboorhood is unique, two blocks from my favorite Jamaican patty/coco bread bakery (Christie’s), it’s convenient to a bunch of trains like the Begen 2,3 and a half block from 7th Ave. B,Q.

- No dogs.  Cats might be cool.

- Laundry in the basement.

- Map here.

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

Make a comment and I’ll know what you desire.

$1675 – Greasemonkey Paradise (Greenpoint Ave. G)

While one of the lovliest commodes I’ve seen about town, it doesn’t quite save this botched up slosh job of a Polsky finger bang reno.  There is an absolutely enchanted backyard clearly well maintained by the previous dog-owning tenants but I still can’t see how they both slept in what defies my descriptive gifts -  essentially, it’s a pantry.

We’re all over the place with Willy Wonky’s Funged-Up Freak Show so stay with me:

- Just steps away from every kind of automotive repair you’ll ever need.
- In the hulking shadow of the Newtown Creek Sewage Treatment Facility’s alien digestor eggs (nothing thrills me more than to think of giant digestor eggs down my block… so sci-fi).
- Hope you like ladders because you’ll be climbing one to get to your “fort” every night (truly must be seen to be beieved).
- A deep and haunting hallway leads into a beautiful Brooklyney parlor with wide plank floors.
- Crackheaded kitchen with slop sink on one side, cheap particle board shelves, and munged up appliances on the other.
- Beatific backyard that almost makes life worth it’s proximity to the Pootown Creek Funk Factory.
- Available August 1st.

Comment now!

PS. My gratitude to the cute upstairs neighbor who so kindly helped inspire some of my observations.

View map here.

$2400 – Double Fudge Frosting on B’brg Cupcakes (Graham L)

These are the twin sisters of mercy on the pastoral street of the “protected” Graham Ave. section of Williamsburg.  Not much negativity coming from me on these goodies:

- Newer than new renovation not done completely shamelessly.
- Granite counter tops and all new appliances in the well designed kitchens.
- One bathroom per unit (kinda smallish) but has full tubs for those once-a-year baths.
- Private partitioned backyard for the first floor lucky ducks.
- Square footage to square dance in.
- Enough light to tan indoors.

The first floor unit is going for 2500/month because of it’s backyard action but these are the kind of places you and the family could happily move into, perfect for a share, and a happy couple would be 10x happier.

View map here.