Thanks to my new RE partner and straight shootin’ neighborhood dude, Ion Birch, it’s as if the plumage of the superb bird of paradise has unfurled before me.

Your Greenpoint paradise hideaway-nest awaits your elaborate mating dance:

- Dropped back and yet, sticks out somehow.

- Look, we’re not here to discuss design, taste, art, or artistry so let’s keep it simple – this space is 16′x12′ = 192sf of living room.

- I do like some lucite things.  Kitchen.  DoucheDishwasher too!

- The first of two bathrooms!  Always remember to keep the seats down, please.

- The first of three bedrooms. 12′x9′ = 108sf

- Bedroom number two (huh-huh). 10′x15′ = 150sf of number two!

- The Supreme Master Bedroom with ergonomic office chair. 11′x15′ = 165sf of chair rolling fun.

- I’m pretty sure those nipple spouty things in the tub are jets for [cue the Price is Right theme song] YOUR NEW JACUZZI TUB!

- [Price is Right theme still going] [BARKER] Tell ‘em what else they get, Rod! [RODDY] You and guest will be staying at the GRAND CLOSET hotel and casino in beautiful sunny Acapulco, Mexicoooooo!  It’s the only place in town where you’ll find a GRAND CLOSET, in every room.

- [RODDY] All that tubbin’ and scrub-a-dubbin’ will make you wanna do your laundry… IN YOUR NEW WASHER AND DRYER!!!

- Hey, cool out Jack!  A hulking massive floating AC zips that whole house cold when it’s hot.  Baseboard heaters are there for when it’s not.

- Where?

- OH HERE! Next to the Marshall’s impound lot only a short block away from where this apartment lies.  “See ya later honey, I’m goin’ to play pinball down by the car pound!”  Brilliance, in life, although fleeting, exists.

- Heat IS YES ABSOLUTELY INDEED included.

- Gas and electric are not.

- Landlord wants a direct monthly deposit set up in order to receive the benefit of the rent reduction from 3400 to the now 2800.  I know that sounds like bullshit but it’s actually true.

- Available Jan 1, 2010.  HAPPY NEW DECADE!

- Map here.

Obviously we must be respectful of the kind individuals living there now so weekday afternoons around 2p is good to view and so are weekends around 11a.

Comment here and througheth thou shall pass.

WEEW!  Just got a call from the Loft Ninja and he’s so down to join cataclysmic sales and leasing forces with I, Mr. Lister Twister!  (sound of giant explosion happening in the background).

While I haven’t seen with my own mortal eyes, my prescient “chosen one”  mind’s eye has shown me… THIS!

- Ah ha!  A fully formed kitchen.  The quantum particles are all in place and ready to make toast.

- (fingers pressing forcefully into temples) I…I’m making out a door… YES!  A door that leads to other rooms… something which I think… YES!  It’s a hallway!

- Do you smell smoke?  Wait… NO!  That’s a frireplace!  Is it working?  My senses cannot tell but I’ll ask.

- Is a dimensional portal?  NO!  It’s a window in a room, quite possibly best used for a bedroom.  Can’t psychically tell if there’s a closet in here or not… but maybe this is just that “3rd bedroom” that’s really best used as a Mac lab.

- Oh sweet mystery of life… almost positive this is one of the two actual bedrooms.

- My powers of prescience are fading… this is either another shot of the “through-the-doorway” angle above or the other of the two bedrooms.  DAMN YOU UNIVERSE!!!

- Available asap.

- Not sure about heat/hot water but like most places in the G’pt/W’brg borderlands, it’s not.

- Map here.

Use the comment box to access my thoughts and I’ll send you a psychic email.

Some may call this the “nice part” of Bed Stuy.  Everything’s clean, no syringes or used condoms in the park, the brownstones are impeccably kept and the neighbors actually wave and say hello.  It’s light years from anything resembling a Brooklyn scene except for that stuff happening on Lewis Ave… but then again, isn’t that why you’re moving?

Follow closely this tour of your future home:

LOWER DUPLEX (2br – $1800)

- We’ll start from the ground floor and work our way up.   This is the first room you see when you walk in under the front stoop.  Likely it’s to be used as your main living area with plenty of space and mellow light.

- Newly renovated ground floor kitchen from one angle…

- Long table with inviting stools in the ground floor kitchen from the other angle.  And that’s the door to your…

- …private back yard.  There’s the essence of cat piss back there but the landlord, a kind and insanely friendly woman, has promised to mend a broken section of the fence and repour the concrete.  Lot’s of growing space under some pretty trees.

- And don’t worry about hauling your rusty-ass hibachi over… there’s a freakin’ new Weber that the previous tenants left for you (shown “regular” and “trippy” style).  You’re welcome.

- Now that you’ve come down off your “we’re getting a backyard with a grill!” high, we’re ready to schlep up the stairs to your other private floor where the bedrooms be at.  This is the one in the back of the house.

- This is the totally excellent shelving unit built into the closet in the aforementioned and aforepictured bedroom.

- This is the incredibly cute half bath found in the aforementioned/aforepictured bedroom above.

- As soon as you’re ready to blow everyone’s mind when you say, “Welcome to my bedroom,” you can totally use this room for the backdrop.  All original molding, lighting fixtures, mirror, shelving and stained glass can be found in this front bedroom on the 1st floor. Pimp shit.

- Lily white porcelain parlour for your pleasure still here on the 1st floor.  Now let’s head on up to the 2nd…

UPPER DUPLEX (3br – $1850)

- Too difficult to photograph adequately with my little Lumix even with the 16:9 aspect ratio setting, this is the 2nd floor living room with crazy light.

- Clean and skuzz free.  2nd floor bathroom all shiny and new.

- Here’s where my memory starts to get a little weak… can’t remember if this bedroom is on the 2nd or 3rd floors.  Alas, it’s part of the UPPER DUPLEX and you can easily fit a large bed in there.

- This might be the only bummer thing about the UPPER DUPLEX.  Kind of a smallish kitchen but I know it’s on the 3rd floor because of the rad skylight.

- Just when you thought, “How many fireplaces and bedrooms could there possibly be in an $1800/month apartment?”…then you discover this shellacked beauty on the 3rd floor.

- Perhaps the freakiest room in the house.  May I present the Oompa Loompa-Children in the Attic-Mommy Dearest Room.  Probably good for an office if you can keep the screaming out of your head.

- Heat/hot water controlled and paid for by tenant.

- Not sure about pets but the landlord didn’t seem to excited about the prospect.

- Available now.

- Map here.

Post a comment and ye shall receive further instructions on how to obtain a lease for this prize property.

Yup, that’s a wheelchair in there…  not because anyone’s disabled but because three totally awesome stoner college dudes live in there and have all kinds of oddities and stuff tacked to the walls (Lil’ Kim t-shirt, skateboard decks, “art”, etc.).

What lies beneath the facade of this Judd Apatow set is:

- A Swiss Family Robinson-style railroad with lofted beds all over the place (sorry, no rope swings or monkey servants).
- Two separate entrances so only one roommate gets traffic.
- Manhattan skyline views for those moments around 4:30 when Dark Side is blasting and your gaze needs somewhere to float.
- A bathroom that’s been sufficiently “dudeified” but according to the tenants “blasts hot water nicely.”
- Kitchen appliances that have seen many a charred ramen noodle and condiment encrustation.
- But here’s the clincher: WINDOWS IN EVERY ROOM!!! YESSS!
- Available August 1st.

If I were you (thrifty, social, and stonery Williamsburger), I’d comment so you can see it.

View the map here.