$3000 – 1br of Total Awesomeness (2nd Ave. F, V, J, M, Z)

Look what I saw in the East Village today!

Can’t tell you who I showed it to already because you’d be too jealous to read on.

- WHAM-O!  Big ass living room.  Corner unit with windows everywhere overlooking a freakin’ sculpture garden!  Supremely rad.

- Here’s that sculpture garden… I ain’t lyin!

- Kitchen’s totally acceptable in my book, and my book was written by Jaques Pepin!  Plus with all those yummers restaurants around this spot, who needs to cook?  You’ve got Nicki’s Bahn Mi, Caracas arepas, tons of ramen, Neopolitana… and that’s just off the top of my head.

- Super spacious bedroom with heater/cooling unit.  Fake brick, I know, but who gives a rat’s ass?  It’s dope in here!

- Bedroom closet, y’all.  Great for your clothes or small guests.

- The bathroom.  Great for washing up!

- Yup!  Totally shared courtyard wonderfully maintained with grills awaiting your marinated eggplants.

- Sill can’t tell you who it is but this place ALSO has a roof deck.

- Not sure if heat/hot water are included yet.

- Not sure about pets either but I’ll update soon.

- Available now.

- Map here.

Comment and I’ll respond unless that super huge rock star in the photo snatches this up.

$2600 – 1br Fancy Pants (Bergen F,G)

What’s pomp without circumstance?

The bi-level backyard, bay windows for your breakfast nook, and mysterious ticket booth/closet all form like a fancy Voltron into one haughty home on Henry.

Let’s go!  Voltron form!

- Lucite blades fan you with modern winds over your ample living/dining space.

- Stupidly nice kitchen.  I actually prefer the old nice ovens… kinda kills me when people who think themselves gastronomes reject these appliances because of their age.  They just don’t make ‘em like they used to!

- Put this in your crock and roast it!  Smart storage and LOTS of it.

- Here’s the real custard buster… bay windows surrounding a kitchen breakfast nook and the door that leads…

- …to your Zenned-out bi-level private Om garden.  SHANTI-SHANTI-SHAN-TIHI!

- The upper level of Zen garden existence.  Don’t like the color of those fence boards?  Paint ‘em!  Stain ‘em!  Grow some climbers on ‘em!  It’s YOURS!

- Nothing all too flashy about the bedroom thought it’s quite large.  It’s at the front of the building but the street outside is dead quiet.

- Wasn’t quite sure what to make of this oddity.  A section of the bedroom wall has been cut out to allow light to enter a very narrow cubby that’s either a decent sized closet, a ticket booth to charge admission to your guests when you have those underground dinner party masquerades, a place for bedroom marionette performances, a new way to install an elaborate entertainment system, or your private bedroom bar.

- Who says storage isn’t important?  You’ve got this in addition to the above mystery booth just for your bedroom.

- All the things you’d expect to find in a bathroom are, in fact, there.

- Laundry in the basement.

- Pets are welcome.

- Heat/hot water ARE included.  YESSS!

- Map here.

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

Got a comment?  Post it!  It’s the only way I know you exist!

$1500 – 1br, Fast and Loose (Prospect Ave. M,R)

South Slope is still the mild mild west but there’s always the random troubadour who’s dying to get in on one of these slightly run down, relatively cental, quite spacious places.

Come hither…

- Pretty giant-sized kitchen/living space.  Guess those high Cylon-eye windows are so you can forget about the squalor that is 4th Ave.

- Kitchen and yes, a dishwasher.  Tada!

- A sliver of a bathroom but it’s all ready for you to clean it, Mr. Swiffer!

- I found this bedroom rather difficult to photograph because it’s such a long and somewhat narrow room.  So there’s the first angle…

- …and there’s the other.

- Utilities are NOT included.  Lame.

- Laundry is on the corner.  Not too bad.

- Pets gotta be cool… how could the landlord deny you the companionship of a pet.

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

- Map here.

Give me a little dose of your comment juice, will ya!?

$1650 – 1br Backyard Beauty of the Month (Bergen 2,3 & 7th Ave. B, Q)

Can one person handle this much private open space in Brooklyn?

We seek to answer that question and many more, here, at Twisted Lister:

- I’ve become a fan of this landlord’s buildings.  All seem really solid, nice looking, great locations, and interior work leaning toward restoration than gut renovation.

- Not exactly fit for a Chef de Cuisine but it’s open enough.  I’d recommend a collapsible shelf installed on that wall between the stove and the closet to add more counter space.

- Here’s the reasonably adequate living space.  Behind you is the kitchen (pictured above) and through that door…

- …is the backyard of pure paradise.  Super deep, perfectly shady, pleasantly sunny, and includes a cool furniture set left by the previous tenants (thanks guys!).

- A 1br wouldn’t be complete without a bedroom.  Tiny but I can still see it being perfectly livable. It’s size, from what I’m told, is where most of the complaints come from.  Still a good size for anyone looking to live minimally.

- I caught Park Place on a really pretty afternoon.  The neighboorhood is unique, two blocks from my favorite Jamaican patty/coco bread bakery (Christie’s), it’s convenient to a bunch of trains like the Begen 2,3 and a half block from 7th Ave. B,Q.

- No dogs.  Cats might be cool.

- Laundry in the basement.

- Map here.

- Available Aug. 1, 2009.

Make a comment and I’ll know what you desire.

$1525-2400 – From Studio to 2br, it’s Greenpoint GALORE! (Greenpoint Ave. G)

This may prove to be the longest post I’ve attempted thus far.  Alas, it is not only a pleasure but my DUTY to perform.

Allons-y!

STUDIO

- To begin at the beginning, we’ll start with the studio.  394 sq.ft. of living space on the 1st floor for $1525 ain’t too shabby.  My only worry is the “beer spa” opening up right next door.  Could mean a good chance for you to demand a lifetime supply (or at least 12-months) of free suds.

- I just noticed this but I think that’s an induction range up there.  Super-efficient and functional.  Clean layout and plenty of counter space.

- Nicely tiled, marbled, and never used.  What’s up with that weird ghost on the wall?

2-BEDROOM CENTER

- Same (1st) floor, 2br, 785 sq. ft., listed at $2150/month.  Weird thing about this is that it’s in the middle of the building so there aren’t actually any windows that look out onto a street, per se.  It’s loaded  with skylights that makes it feel a little like the underground space farm where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

- Skylights a-poppin’, here’s what the two bedrooms look like side-by-side.  Definitely has nice privacy and separation for roomies but still, it’s that Star Wars feel that could be hit or miss.

- Kitchen!  Look familiar?  Everything looks VERY homogeneous but I assure you, this is the spread you’ll find adoring this particular unit.  You’ll see.

- Again, a familiar but welcome sight – clean, neat, and never used.

- One thing this unit seems to be lacking are closets.  I think there’s one but I can’t remember.  They made it hard to reach up for it with some overhead storage atop the kitchen.  And hey, there’s those Star Wars skylights again!

1-BEDROOM REAR

- I was’t trying to make this a sci-fi themed episode, but as you venture further down this Death Star-like corridor away from the underground space farm pictured above, you’ll come to some rather charming rear 1br units.  The living rooms have lots of natural light and you can get a peek of the decorative fireplace in the bedroom back there.  They’re listed between 1900-2500, depending on outdoor space availability (the 2nd image above shows the patio door).

- Here’s that bedroom I alluded to earlier.  Cute right?

- I love chrome.

- Here’s where that patio door leads.  I’m told a wood deck will be added along with a railing so you can’t peek down into the Star Wars space farms below.

- The other rear 1br has a stairwell that leads up to this roof deck and again, from what I’m told, it’s private and there will be some kind of decking in the near future.  Sick view.

1-BEDROOM FRONT

- Much of how this complex is laid out needs a proper walk-through to be truly understood but this here side of the building looks out over Greenpoint Ave.  Everything look a bit more standard to me on this side  but certainly you have a bright living room just aching to be furnished.

- A cyclops of the latter image but there’s plenty of room for a big ol’ bed in there.  Behind me there’s the bathroom and a closet.

- What I tell ya.

- No surpises here!

- It’s up to you which water tower you like better but I personally prefer this photo.  Good cell phone reception up here too.

1-BEDROOM CENTER

- I didn’t do this intentionally but I actually saved the most bizarre interesting for last.  What’s shown is what I think is being called a “1br” in the center of the lot with skylights bearing the only natural light in the unit.  Above is what you see when you walk in… feels a little like wandering onto the set of THX-1138.

- Master Control… FINISH THE GAME!  Oh… sorry.  Tron reference.  Um… this is the “bedroom.”  (Play Twilight Zone theme music here.)

- Are we there yet?

- I’ll be in the tub if you need me.

- You read all the way down to the end of this post only to find a picture of a closet.  SUCKER!!!  Jk.  It’s a closet, see!  Okay, wrap it up, punchy.

- Available November, 2008.

- Doesn’t seem that the landlord is paying for much or any in the way of heat and/or hot water.

- Pets RULE!

- Coin-op laundry in the building (soon) but there’s the laundry place right on Franklin run by the nice Spanish lady and the mean Asian lady.

- A moonwalk from the Greenpoint Ave G.  I’m not going into the G’s defense but if you time it right, it’s there.

- Map here.

Comment now if you can even stand to at this point.

PS. Thanks for your patience.

$1675 – Greasemonkey Paradise (Greenpoint Ave. G)

While one of the lovliest commodes I’ve seen about town, it doesn’t quite save this botched up slosh job of a Polsky finger bang reno.  There is an absolutely enchanted backyard clearly well maintained by the previous dog-owning tenants but I still can’t see how they both slept in what defies my descriptive gifts -  essentially, it’s a pantry.

We’re all over the place with Willy Wonky’s Funged-Up Freak Show so stay with me:

- Just steps away from every kind of automotive repair you’ll ever need.
- In the hulking shadow of the Newtown Creek Sewage Treatment Facility’s alien digestor eggs (nothing thrills me more than to think of giant digestor eggs down my block… so sci-fi).
- Hope you like ladders because you’ll be climbing one to get to your “fort” every night (truly must be seen to be beieved).
- A deep and haunting hallway leads into a beautiful Brooklyney parlor with wide plank floors.
- Crackheaded kitchen with slop sink on one side, cheap particle board shelves, and munged up appliances on the other.
- Beatific backyard that almost makes life worth it’s proximity to the Pootown Creek Funk Factory.
- Available August 1st.

Comment now!

PS. My gratitude to the cute upstairs neighbor who so kindly helped inspire some of my observations.

View map here.

$1450 – Saddle up, your 1br with FARMLAND is HERE! (Greenpoint G/Vernon-Jackson 7)

Takes a lot to wow me these days and this was a wow moment.

Totally freakin’ affordible with more land than most suburban homes to plant, cultivate, and drop out of society completely.

- One true bedroom with Turkish dome archway for your beaded curtain.
- Smallish living room but large enough to sprawl out (provided you’re not 6′7″).
- New floors!
- I’m guessing new appliances but as you can see from the pics in the gallery, not up to Batali’s standards.
- For that one bath you take in the dark winter months, there’s a tub.
- Available August 1st.
- But who cares about any of this when you have a COLOSSAL MEGA HONKING BACKYARD????

Comment now or you’ve let yet another golden opportunity pass you by like so much wind through the blades of grass in the backyard of your dreams…

View map here.

$1450 – 1br of Maximum Funkiness! (G’pt Ave. G)

Not funky because it’s gross but funky because it’s AWESOME!  Well, it’s good… maybe “awesome” would be better after it’s done being renovated and you’ve added your personal design touches:

- Well lit true 1br in Northern Greenpoint.
- New renovation (as you can see, they’re doing the work now).
- Quiet street and convenient to the wonderful world of Greenpoint.
- Not sure what’s up with that TV but I think it’s being used as a work bench.

Shall we view? Comment!

View map here.

$1900 – B’berg Backyard Action (Graham L)

Not too shabby of a place for the price…

- Sizable 4 room railroad layout.
- Shady backyard with a Weber just chillin there.
- Sunny bedroom.
- Eat-in kitchen.

You could probably work this out as a two bedroom if:

1.) One of you doesn’t mind sleeping in the living room separated by a hippie tarp.
2.) Having your roommate walking through your “bedroom” to get to his/hers.
3.) Using the backyard as your common space… might be uncomfortable in the snow (depending on your tastes).

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