$2900 – 2br w/Private PARTY-O (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Lovers and friends, a glimpse of Greenpoint’s living end.

Have a party:

- A triple window play for maximum living room pleasure.

- Less kitch, more in.

- Do graphs, play boxes, or contemplate the grid while refreshing.

- A perch in the trees with a calm leafy breeze.  A bedroom fit for a kingfisher.

- Charming and quaint, a craphole this ain’t.  Bedroom #2 pour vous.

- Patio.  Party-o.  Let’s dance.  It’s private.

- Available May 1st, 2012.

- Pets are totally cool.

- Heat/hot water included but that’s about it.

- Map here.

Drop me an email limerick or comment on this post for a guided tour by your host.

$1750 – Studios in Brooklyn’s “French Quarter” (Jay St. A, C, F, R & High St. F)

Rounding the corner off the great Tillary St. flumox of an intersection  near the Manhattan Bridge, you’ll be instantly transported through a po-boy portal onto a street where you may get the feeling that you should be greeted by some Indians and a heavy brass “La-La” Buckwheat Zydaco band.  There are two sweet studios available tout de suite!

Who dat?!

- This isn’t the place but it’s right around the corner.  Awesomely weird porch ornament a-la-The Big Easy. (Photo by Barry Yanowitz)

- This is the actual street.  Does it not seem like a scene right out of the Upperline?

- Tastefully finished stoop.  Can’t mess with grey.  King crimson.

First One:

- Studio life as simple as red beans ‘n rice.  ’Tis on the ground level but still with plenty of light and…

-  Zapps!  Your own personal bayou!  Technically it’s shared with a couple of your neighbors but that never stopped anyone from staging a craw daddy boil or two.

- Plenty of room for all your creole spices, stock pots and cold brew coffee concentrate.

- When the levy breaks, you can hide in here I guess.

Second One:

- Fleur de lovely living space.

- Ain’t no mumbo jumbo ’bout this kitchen’s gumbo.  Zataran!

- Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.  Yaaaaay God!

- Available May 1st.

- Map here.

Bounce rap me an email or comment to let the Saints go marchin’ in.

$1600 – 1br Sci-Fi Weirdness (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Nanu-nanu!  Up for some more interplanetary real estate?

Beams me ups!

- Above is your living room and what you see upon entry… feels a little like wandering onto the set of THX-1138.

- Master Control… FINISH THE GAME!   Tron reference.  Um… this is the “bedroom.”  (Play Twilight Zone theme music here.)

- Are we there yet?

- I’ll be in the tub if you need me.

- You read all the way down to the end of this post only to find a picture of a closet.  SUCKER!!!  Jk.  It’s a closet.  Okay, wrap it up, punchy.

- Available April 1st.

- Doesn’t seem that the landlord is paying for much or any in the way of heat and/or hot water.  Zoinkers.

- Pets RULE!

- A moonwalk from the Greenpoint Ave G.  I’m not going into the G’s defense but if you time it right, it’s there.

- Map here.

Comment now if you can even stand to at this point.

$2600 2br | $2700 2br | $4500 3br Duplex – Java Overflow! (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Space, separation, and a salmon exterior. It’s all waiting for you in Greenpoint.

Swim upstream.

- Lox me up and throw away the key!  Salmony puns aside, that porch could belong to you should you choose the epically huge duplex in this not-so-fishy house.

$2600 & $2700 2brs

- Spacious city with lots of illumination in the main kitchen/living space.

- Bedroom #1.  Clean, cool, calm and collected.

- Bedroom #2.  As above, so below.  The bedrooms in both of these 2br units are identical except for their orientation.  The ones with two windows switch places from the second to the third floor units.  Other than that, these two apartments are perfect twins.

- Glistening, sparkling, grouted, and new.  Have a party!

- Another look at the kitchen.  Sweet supports under the countertop.

$4500 br Duplex

- Lots of stuff in this main living space including a Ghostbusters proton pack but most importantly, it contains the door which leads out onto your front porch.  FRONT PORCH!

- Prrreeeettttyyyy sure this is the kitchen space but I could be wrong.  If not, it’ll be a room.  Duh.

- Almost certain this will be a bedroom.  Again, I’m baffled by mid-construction sites most of the time.  We can deduce logically the next time we view together.

- I’m CERTAIN this is a bathroom.  The mummified manatee in the tub will likely be removed.

- Since this rad dude was down here carving up tiles with a wet saw, it was super loud and slightly difficult to tell what was going to happen down here on the lower level.  For sure there’s a bathroom but the wildcard is that it might be the kitchen(!!!)

- Lots of goodies in here but most of all, a WASHER/DRYER!  YESSS!!!  It should be noted that this “lower level” is actually the street level, not subterranean.

-  A private patio and backyard!?  You don’t say.  Well, according to the landlord, the upper two units will also have some sort of access to part of the yard.  Not entirely sure how this all will shake out but for now, BOOM, a yard.

- Available April 15th.

- Have to double check but I’ll go ahead and say heat and hot water are included.

- Pets are hecka cool!

- Map here.

Give an olde email or comment to have a gander of your own.

$3300 – 3br Down on Greenzy Street (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Three bedrooms of glorious splendor for the eye to behold, for your junk to unload.

Drop it.

- An interesting overhead lighting fixture decision here in the kitchen/living space… something like “dungeon de rigeur.”  Can’t hate on the new appliances though.

- Bedroom #1.  Four walls, some outlets, a closet (I think), a window, dark wood floors… it needs your soul.

- Bedroom #2.  Angular.

- Bedroom #3.  Complete with not one but TWO windows.  More places to wave from.

- Head on with the kitchen.  The dishwasher is waiting to make things easier on you.

- At last, toilet lid agape, the bathroom of ultimate luxury awaits your tender caress… so modern, so inviting.

- Available April 1st.

- Pets are poppin’!

- Not 100% sure on utilities but lets assume heat/hot water are included.

- Map here.

Use that email thing or leave a comment if you’re interested in seeing first hand.

$3500 – 3br Hot Java (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Yet another stimulating listing that could jolt your Greenpoint housing search into a jittery frenzy.

Have a sip.

- Mind you, these are some first looks so if you consider this “renovation porn,” your mind is in the proper gutter.  Some interesting brick/beam work on the wall here in what will be the living space… pretty sizable room, I may add.

- The hoses and pipes indicate the future of a kitchen.  The possibilities!

- Bedroom #1.  Adjacent to the kitchen, decent size and on the completely opposite side of the unit from the other two bedrooms giving its inhabitant freedom to make weird noises at will.

- Bedroom #2.  What looks like an ordinary room will soon contain a door which enters into…

- …your PRIVATE BACKYARD!  Cue the music, Rod.  That’s right!  Bask in the sunlight of this raised garden kept alive under the watchful eye of none other than the Virgin Mary herself.  We’ll even throw in some gently used patio furniture, a red Weber charcoal grill, and a NEW HOSE!   Hallelujah for outdoor space!

- Bedroom #3.  Now that we’re down off the high of outdoor space, you can objectively examine this third bedroom.  There appear to be kitchen appliances in here at the moment but rest assured, this is not where they will remain… unless you want them to.

- At last, we’ve arrived in what most consider to be the “most important room” in the house.  This lavender lovely is littered with new building materials but that’s a good sign.

- Available April 1st.

- Pets are COOL!

- Not sure about utilities but I’ll assume heat/hot water are included unless I find out otherwise.

- Map here.

Don’t hold back… email me or comment to set up a viewing.

$1725 – 1br Astral Blaster (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Starfighters!  Ready your squadrons!

Two 1brs available in spaceport “Astral” of galaxy Greenpoint.

First One:

- Snuck in there today while the cleanup is in progress.  As you can see, there are cabinets and a fridge.

- Not too shabby a living space.  For a place of this size, that there is a “living space” at all gives me hope for humanity.

- Bedroom.  Boom.  Couldn’t for the life of me tell you the square footage but you can at least fit a bed in there.

- A look back at that living room.  Oh, the memories… the closet.

- Found it a bit difficult to squeeze off a snap of this shower stable but there’s some sweet blue tile work in there.  Perfect for getting that hammam feel to your morning shower.

Second One:

- Slightly different layout than the aforeposted.  Nice view of the back courtyard.  No light obstructions.  New linoleum (didn’t realize they actually make linoleum new still… hmm).

- No shame in this chambre.  Bed down and rest easy knowing you’re paying the cheapest rent on the block.

- This trapezoidal tetrahedron prism-shaped closet will iron your clothes through contact with ancient aliens merely by hanging stuff in there.

- I’m a pretty huge fan of this kitchen and it’s respective nook.  It embodies the essence of “nook” and all that is “nookie.”

- More nook.  That menacing snake-like protuberance back there is where your stove will be.

- Still kind of amazed about there being windows in every room.  Multiple windows in some!   I would bathe here.

- Available April 1st.

- Heat/hot water included.

- Cats only.  REER!

- Map here.

Click here to email me or comment to set up an appointment.

$2200 – Greenpoint 2012: The year you make contact (Nassau G)

Unless you’ve traveled from Brooklyn to Jupiter and back at .9 times the speed of light over the course of five years, you may be a bit disoriented because 11.47 years would’ve passed here on earth.  Not only are all your friends now “so over New York and living in Venice Beach,”  you’ve missed how exponentially awesomer Greenpoint has gotten since you left.  Now that you’re back, here’s your chance to touch the monolith.

For your “twistening” pleasure:

Dave Bowman: My God, it’s full of stars!

• Er, vinyl siding.  Slightly obscured by the shrub is the “DENTIST” awning signifying the former tenant and your wide-open potential for an amateur crack at a new cottage venture.

Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

• Don’t listen to HAL.  Come right in and slide on your socks all the way to the kitchen if you want.

HAL: I’ve just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It’s going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.

• That’s a shop vac, HAL, and it’ll be outta there before you move (float) in.  Unless you were referring to the electric fireplace because no, there’s no problem with it at all, it totally works.  Stupid HAL.

[choosing sandwiches from a cooler while flying over the lunar surface]
Dr. Floyd: What’s that? Chicken?
Dr. Bill Michaels: Something like that. Tastes the same anyway.

• Whether your dinner guests are astrophysicists or not, you’ll have fine time preparing your astronaut ice cream pouches in this space-aged kitchen.

[on Dave's return to the ship, after HAL has killed the rest of the crew]
HAL: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

• Hopefully you’ll have better luck with HAL than Dave but if you do end up taking that stress pill, here’s your bedroom where you can lie down and think things over.

Dave Bowman: Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL?
HAL: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Dave Bowman: What’s the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

• The pod bay (closet) doors are wide open, as you can see, despite HAL’s insubordination, and full of space for odysseys of storage.  Dr. Frank Poole and I will do our best to disconnect HAL before you move in so as to avoid any unfortunate disputes.

Floyd’s Daughter: Hello?
Dr. Floyd: Hello!
Floyd’s Daughter: Hello.
Dr. Floyd: How’re you doing, squirt?
Floyd’s Daughter: All right.
Dr. Floyd: What are you doing?
Floyd’s Daughter: Playing.
Dr. Floyd: Where’s mommy?
Floyd’s Daughter: Gone to shopping.
Dr. Floyd: Well, who’s taking care of you?
Floyd’s Daughter: Rachel.
Dr. Floyd: May I speak to Rachel, please?
Floyd’s Daughter: She’s gone to the bathroom.

• And you can see why Rachel is luxuriating herself so long and neglecting her babysitting duties.  This bathroom is HUGE!  Though I don’t envy Rachel when Dr. Floyd gets back from the moon.

Dr Floyd: Don’t suppose you have any idea what the damn thing is, huh?
Dr. Rolf Halvorsen: Wish to hell we did.

• It’s a backyard patio, a bunch of flower pots and two awesome chairs dummy!

HAL: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

• It’s cool, HAL, I’m over it.  Let’s offer one another an olive branch, take a stroll down the backyard path and forget about the whole thing.  Just promise me you won’t kill the rest of my crew the next time we try to figure out what’s up with that weird monolith thing again.

• Heat and hot water ARE included.  YESSSSS!

• Cats only.  REEER!

• Available February 1, 2012: A Lease Odyssey.

• Map here.

Throw a bone up in the air or just email me for a closer look at this Greenpoint star port.

$3333-5999 – DUMBO SNEAK FREAK (York St. F)

These days it’s hard to find new construction that isn’t tainted by the evil wizard wand of “condo doucheplex,” especially in Dumbo.  BUT, I stumbled on this snazzy industrial renovation out there and thought, “Hey!  Not bad!”

Show me your weirding way:

• From the Front Street side the sky appears bluer.

• Rendering of the lobby.  That guy on the right will greet you each day while walking full stride at you, the wind fluttering through his coattails, his collar rising higher ever so slightly as he barrels toward you.

Studios ($3333-3490)

• When I bezerked in here a while ago when it was still a construction zone, I didn’t wantonly barge into any of the studios at the time so all I have are these floor plans.  This is the first type of configuration.  633 sq/ft at $3333/m seems halfway livable.

• Here’s the second type.  660-672 sq/ft for $3490/m.  That’s 30-40 more square feet!  Just imagine it!

• And here’s the third type.  837 sq/ft for $3490/m.  Same price, thrice the spice (no idea what that means… just felt like sayin’ it).

Studios + Home Office ($3672-4323)

• Again, I flailed on finding any of these coveted studio+offices so you’re stuck with a line drawing.  Deal with it.  This is 704-734 sq/ft for $3672/m.  Long, lean, lots of closets and room for three plants!

• This is type two, similar to the above but inverted.  786-805 sq/ft for $3958/m offers you room for two Lay-Z-Boys and a sofa.

• The last of the studio-hicans+office.  This one seems like a one-bedroom to me but technically it’s not.  1065 sq/ft at $4323/m feels like 1br land, alas…

One-Bedrooms ($3854-4271)

• Now we’re getting into the meat!  I did manage to snap a few shots of these guys AND you’ll get to see the difference between mine and some very glamorous shots from the developer.  This bad boy is 672-673 sq/ft for $3854/m.

• I’m no architectural genius but I’m pretty sure this is a shot of the living area depicted graphically in the previous floor plan drawing.  Mind you, the sofa in the drawing is replaced by a sectional in the photo.

• Reminding you again that I’m not a genius, it seems evident that this is the kitchen of that 1br we’re speaking of.  Menu chalkboards optional.

• Heheh.

• All the bathrooms in the building, as far as I’ve seen, look (or will look) like this.  Nize.

• I kinda think my photos are more fun, no?  Like the aftermath of a nuclear winter or something… but still nice.

• This is type B of the 1brs and I for sure know I saw these first hand.  723-801 sq/ft at $3880 is what we dealin’ with.

• Here’s the living room and there’s that column.  Great for hanging weapons or displaying your collection of decorative plates from the US Presidency.  Floors coming soon.

• Can’t say I don’t like the tall windows in the bedroom though I’d prefer a different shade of chartreuse for my across the street neighbor’s exterior.

• Oh man, KITCHEN RAMPAGE!!!  Looks like the set of Prometheus.

• Type C has another 30-40 square feet than the other guy.  836-878 sq/ft for $4010 gets you a smidge more room for your flat screen.

• Wild guess as to whether this corresponds to the floor plan but if it does, now you can see what the bedroom/living space will look like with floors installed.  Yay.

• Type D here.  You’ve got a that little Time Bandits entrance hallway and considerably more square footage.  Noting my non-architectural genius (and quite possibly a rare disorder giving me the inability to read floor plans too good), I think this unit has windows on either side somehow.  945-960 sq/ft at $4271/m is what it be.

One Bedroom + Home Office ($4453-5755)

• Here’s type A of these nifty numbers.  856 sq/ft for $4453/m gets you it.

• Feeling pretty confident that my Sherlock Holmsing of this building got me into the corresponding unit to the respective diagram.  This be the living room and through that door be the bedroom.

• You may not have as much fun looking at photos of closets as I do taking them.   Regardless, these are the ones in the bedroom.

• This bathroom is what it feels like when the tub and toilet switch places.

• Another angle on the living space peering into the kitchen behind the column and the home office with SKYLIGHT way down the end there.

• A closer look at the kitchen.  Envision a fridge.

• The blue hue in this photo is from the natural twilight pouring in from the skylight above.  There’s also a decent closet in here.  Don’t mind that ladder, just don’t walk ‘neath it.

• GLORIA!  I understand there are more of these ceiling light ports in the top floor units.

• Definitely did no get to see Type B first hand.  965-971 sq/ft for $4245/m gives you the option to beds in both the office and the bedroom but you’d have to enter through one of them.  Zoinks.

• I vaguely remember seeing one of these Type C’s but opted out of taking photos due to its unsightly mid-construction appearance.  1072 sq/ft at $4070 keeps you sprawlin’ and ballin’.

• The mirror of its sister, Type C, Type D has the twin bathrooms and offers 1140 sq/ft for $4844/m.  Double rad.

• Sort of just adding these on toward the end because I couldn’t rightly tell you which floor plans they correspond to.  Almost certain it’s the living room of one of the one bedrooms.

• Same room, different angle, better light, and please don’t paint that wall.

• At last, we’re at the end (phew).  This is the 2br “Jolt Cola” special: “All the sugar.  Twice the caffeine.”  1245-1270 sq/ft for $5999/m and not one penny more!

Additional features may include:

• 14-foot ceilings
• Exterior brick walls
• Exposed original columns and beams
• Oversized 10-foot windows
• Wood plank ceilings
• Full size Washer & Dryer
• Spacious closets complete with shelving and efficient hanging layouts
• Individually controlled central heat and air-conditioning in every home
• Custom sun shades for every window
• Video Intercom
• Large skylights in many top floor apartment homes
• Cooking gas and hot water are included.
• Pets are cool as far as I know.
• Map here.

If you’ve made it this far, it’s probably worth it for you to email me to set up a viewing.

Good night and thank you.

$4000 – Titanic Loft Rises from the Depths (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Love on the bow of the good ship Greenpoint is imminently possible atop the freshly swabbed decks of this titanic loft.

Ahoy!

Wicked huge.  Plenty of space for your collection of beer coozies from around the globe.

Great for home bowling or ice-free curling (semi-pro).

“For the wise man looks into space and he knows there is no limited dimensions.” – Lao Tzu

Indoor lawn darts anyone?  Nerf bocce?  Life-sized Settlers of Catan?  I’m game.

Even with all that space, one might still find oneself in need of a bathroom.  Not surprisingly, there is one.

Preparing meals never felt so colossal.  Feel free to use this kitchen to cater an event of epic proportions in your own home.

- Available now.  Don’t let this ship sail without you.

- Pets, obviously, are fine.  You can breed Rotweillers in there if you wish.

- Map here.

Send me a message in a bottle or click here if you’re interested.