$2200 – Greenpoint 2012: The year you make contact (Nassau G)

Unless you’ve traveled from Brooklyn to Jupiter and back at .9 times the speed of light over the course of five years, you may be a bit disoriented because 11.47 years would’ve passed here on earth.  Not only are all your friends now “so over New York and living in Venice Beach,”  you’ve missed how exponentially awesomer Greenpoint has gotten since you left.  Now that you’re back, here’s your chance to touch the monolith.

For your “twistening” pleasure:

Dave Bowman: My God, it’s full of stars!

• Er, vinyl siding.  Slightly obscured by the shrub is the “DENTIST” awning signifying the former tenant and your wide-open potential for an amateur crack at a new cottage venture.

Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

• Don’t listen to HAL.  Come right in and slide on your socks all the way to the kitchen if you want.

HAL: I’ve just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It’s going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.

• That’s a shop vac, HAL, and it’ll be outta there before you move (float) in.  Unless you were referring to the electric fireplace because no, there’s no problem with it at all, it totally works.  Stupid HAL.

[choosing sandwiches from a cooler while flying over the lunar surface]
Dr. Floyd: What’s that? Chicken?
Dr. Bill Michaels: Something like that. Tastes the same anyway.

• Whether your dinner guests are astrophysicists or not, you’ll have fine time preparing your astronaut ice cream pouches in this space-aged kitchen.

[on Dave's return to the ship, after HAL has killed the rest of the crew]
HAL: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

• Hopefully you’ll have better luck with HAL than Dave but if you do end up taking that stress pill, here’s your bedroom where you can lie down and think things over.

Dave Bowman: Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL?
HAL: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Dave Bowman: What’s the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

• The pod bay (closet) doors are wide open, as you can see, despite HAL’s insubordination, and full of space for odysseys of storage.  Dr. Frank Poole and I will do our best to disconnect HAL before you move in so as to avoid any unfortunate disputes.

Floyd’s Daughter: Hello?
Dr. Floyd: Hello!
Floyd’s Daughter: Hello.
Dr. Floyd: How’re you doing, squirt?
Floyd’s Daughter: All right.
Dr. Floyd: What are you doing?
Floyd’s Daughter: Playing.
Dr. Floyd: Where’s mommy?
Floyd’s Daughter: Gone to shopping.
Dr. Floyd: Well, who’s taking care of you?
Floyd’s Daughter: Rachel.
Dr. Floyd: May I speak to Rachel, please?
Floyd’s Daughter: She’s gone to the bathroom.

• And you can see why Rachel is luxuriating herself so long and neglecting her babysitting duties.  This bathroom is HUGE!  Though I don’t envy Rachel when Dr. Floyd gets back from the moon.

Dr Floyd: Don’t suppose you have any idea what the damn thing is, huh?
Dr. Rolf Halvorsen: Wish to hell we did.

• It’s a backyard patio, a bunch of flower pots and two awesome chairs dummy!

HAL: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

• It’s cool, HAL, I’m over it.  Let’s offer one another an olive branch, take a stroll down the backyard path and forget about the whole thing.  Just promise me you won’t kill the rest of my crew the next time we try to figure out what’s up with that weird monolith thing again.

• Heat and hot water ARE included.  YESSSSS!

• Cats only.  REEER!

• Available February 1, 2012: A Lease Odyssey.

• Map here.

Throw a bone up in the air or just email me for a closer look at this Greenpoint star port.

$3333-5999 – DUMBO SNEAK FREAK (York St. F)

These days it’s hard to find new construction that isn’t tainted by the evil wizard wand of “condo doucheplex,” especially in Dumbo.  BUT, I stumbled on this snazzy industrial renovation out there and thought, “Hey!  Not bad!”

Show me your weirding way:

• From the Front Street side the sky appears bluer.

• Rendering of the lobby.  That guy on the right will greet you each day while walking full stride at you, the wind fluttering through his coattails, his collar rising higher ever so slightly as he barrels toward you.

Studios ($3333-3490)

• When I bezerked in here a while ago when it was still a construction zone, I didn’t wantonly barge into any of the studios at the time so all I have are these floor plans.  This is the first type of configuration.  633 sq/ft at $3333/m seems halfway livable.

• Here’s the second type.  660-672 sq/ft for $3490/m.  That’s 30-40 more square feet!  Just imagine it!

• And here’s the third type.  837 sq/ft for $3490/m.  Same price, thrice the spice (no idea what that means… just felt like sayin’ it).

Studios + Home Office ($3672-4323)

• Again, I flailed on finding any of these coveted studio+offices so you’re stuck with a line drawing.  Deal with it.  This is 704-734 sq/ft for $3672/m.  Long, lean, lots of closets and room for three plants!

• This is type two, similar to the above but inverted.  786-805 sq/ft for $3958/m offers you room for two Lay-Z-Boys and a sofa.

• The last of the studio-hicans+office.  This one seems like a one-bedroom to me but technically it’s not.  1065 sq/ft at $4323/m feels like 1br land, alas…

One-Bedrooms ($3854-4271)

• Now we’re getting into the meat!  I did manage to snap a few shots of these guys AND you’ll get to see the difference between mine and some very glamorous shots from the developer.  This bad boy is 672-673 sq/ft for $3854/m.

• I’m no architectural genius but I’m pretty sure this is a shot of the living area depicted graphically in the previous floor plan drawing.  Mind you, the sofa in the drawing is replaced by a sectional in the photo.

• Reminding you again that I’m not a genius, it seems evident that this is the kitchen of that 1br we’re speaking of.  Menu chalkboards optional.

• Heheh.

• All the bathrooms in the building, as far as I’ve seen, look (or will look) like this.  Nize.

• I kinda think my photos are more fun, no?  Like the aftermath of a nuclear winter or something… but still nice.

• This is type B of the 1brs and I for sure know I saw these first hand.  723-801 sq/ft at $3880 is what we dealin’ with.

• Here’s the living room and there’s that column.  Great for hanging weapons or displaying your collection of decorative plates from the US Presidency.  Floors coming soon.

• Can’t say I don’t like the tall windows in the bedroom though I’d prefer a different shade of chartreuse for my across the street neighbor’s exterior.

• Oh man, KITCHEN RAMPAGE!!!  Looks like the set of Prometheus.

• Type C has another 30-40 square feet than the other guy.  836-878 sq/ft for $4010 gets you a smidge more room for your flat screen.

• Wild guess as to whether this corresponds to the floor plan but if it does, now you can see what the bedroom/living space will look like with floors installed.  Yay.

• Type D here.  You’ve got a that little Time Bandits entrance hallway and considerably more square footage.  Noting my non-architectural genius (and quite possibly a rare disorder giving me the inability to read floor plans too good), I think this unit has windows on either side somehow.  945-960 sq/ft at $4271/m is what it be.

One Bedroom + Home Office ($4453-5755)

• Here’s type A of these nifty numbers.  856 sq/ft for $4453/m gets you it.

• Feeling pretty confident that my Sherlock Holmsing of this building got me into the corresponding unit to the respective diagram.  This be the living room and through that door be the bedroom.

• You may not have as much fun looking at photos of closets as I do taking them.   Regardless, these are the ones in the bedroom.

• This bathroom is what it feels like when the tub and toilet switch places.

• Another angle on the living space peering into the kitchen behind the column and the home office with SKYLIGHT way down the end there.

• A closer look at the kitchen.  Envision a fridge.

• The blue hue in this photo is from the natural twilight pouring in from the skylight above.  There’s also a decent closet in here.  Don’t mind that ladder, just don’t walk ‘neath it.

• GLORIA!  I understand there are more of these ceiling light ports in the top floor units.

• Definitely did no get to see Type B first hand.  965-971 sq/ft for $4245/m gives you the option to beds in both the office and the bedroom but you’d have to enter through one of them.  Zoinks.

• I vaguely remember seeing one of these Type C’s but opted out of taking photos due to its unsightly mid-construction appearance.  1072 sq/ft at $4070 keeps you sprawlin’ and ballin’.

• The mirror of its sister, Type C, Type D has the twin bathrooms and offers 1140 sq/ft for $4844/m.  Double rad.

• Sort of just adding these on toward the end because I couldn’t rightly tell you which floor plans they correspond to.  Almost certain it’s the living room of one of the one bedrooms.

• Same room, different angle, better light, and please don’t paint that wall.

• At last, we’re at the end (phew).  This is the 2br “Jolt Cola” special: “All the sugar.  Twice the caffeine.”  1245-1270 sq/ft for $5999/m and not one penny more!

Additional features may include:

• 14-foot ceilings
• Exterior brick walls
• Exposed original columns and beams
• Oversized 10-foot windows
• Wood plank ceilings
• Full size Washer & Dryer
• Spacious closets complete with shelving and efficient hanging layouts
• Individually controlled central heat and air-conditioning in every home
• Custom sun shades for every window
• Video Intercom
• Large skylights in many top floor apartment homes
• Cooking gas and hot water are included.
• Pets are cool as far as I know.
• Map here.

If you’ve made it this far, it’s probably worth it for you to email me to set up a viewing.

Good night and thank you.