$2200 – Greenpoint 2012: The year you make contact (Nassau G)

Unless you’ve traveled from Brooklyn to Jupiter and back at .9 times the speed of light over the course of five years, you may be a bit disoriented because 11.47 years would’ve passed here on earth.  Not only are all your friends now “so over New York and living in Venice Beach,”  you’ve missed how exponentially awesomer Greenpoint has gotten since you left.  Now that you’re back, here’s your chance to touch the monolith.

For your “twistening” pleasure:

Dave Bowman: My God, it’s full of stars!

• Er, vinyl siding.  Slightly obscured by the shrub is the “DENTIST” awning signifying the former tenant and your wide-open potential for an amateur crack at a new cottage venture.

Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

• Don’t listen to HAL.  Come right in and slide on your socks all the way to the kitchen if you want.

HAL: I’ve just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It’s going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.

• That’s a shop vac, HAL, and it’ll be outta there before you move (float) in.  Unless you were referring to the electric fireplace because no, there’s no problem with it at all, it totally works.  Stupid HAL.

[choosing sandwiches from a cooler while flying over the lunar surface]
Dr. Floyd: What’s that? Chicken?
Dr. Bill Michaels: Something like that. Tastes the same anyway.

• Whether your dinner guests are astrophysicists or not, you’ll have fine time preparing your astronaut ice cream pouches in this space-aged kitchen.

[on Dave's return to the ship, after HAL has killed the rest of the crew]
HAL: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

• Hopefully you’ll have better luck with HAL than Dave but if you do end up taking that stress pill, here’s your bedroom where you can lie down and think things over.

Dave Bowman: Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL?
HAL: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Dave Bowman: What’s the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

• The pod bay (closet) doors are wide open, as you can see, despite HAL’s insubordination, and full of space for odysseys of storage.  Dr. Frank Poole and I will do our best to disconnect HAL before you move in so as to avoid any unfortunate disputes.

Floyd’s Daughter: Hello?
Dr. Floyd: Hello!
Floyd’s Daughter: Hello.
Dr. Floyd: How’re you doing, squirt?
Floyd’s Daughter: All right.
Dr. Floyd: What are you doing?
Floyd’s Daughter: Playing.
Dr. Floyd: Where’s mommy?
Floyd’s Daughter: Gone to shopping.
Dr. Floyd: Well, who’s taking care of you?
Floyd’s Daughter: Rachel.
Dr. Floyd: May I speak to Rachel, please?
Floyd’s Daughter: She’s gone to the bathroom.

• And you can see why Rachel is luxuriating herself so long and neglecting her babysitting duties.  This bathroom is HUGE!  Though I don’t envy Rachel when Dr. Floyd gets back from the moon.

Dr Floyd: Don’t suppose you have any idea what the damn thing is, huh?
Dr. Rolf Halvorsen: Wish to hell we did.

• It’s a backyard patio, a bunch of flower pots and two awesome chairs dummy!

HAL: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

• It’s cool, HAL, I’m over it.  Let’s offer one another an olive branch, take a stroll down the backyard path and forget about the whole thing.  Just promise me you won’t kill the rest of my crew the next time we try to figure out what’s up with that weird monolith thing again.

• Heat and hot water ARE included.  YESSSSS!

• Cats only.  REEER!

• Available February 1, 2012: A Lease Odyssey.

• Map here.

Throw a bone up in the air or just email me for a closer look at this Greenpoint star port.

$3333-5999 – DUMBO SNEAK FREAK (York St. F)

These days it’s hard to find new construction that isn’t tainted by the evil wizard wand of “condo doucheplex,” especially in Dumbo.  BUT, I stumbled on this snazzy industrial renovation out there and thought, “Hey!  Not bad!”

Show me your weirding way:

• From the Front Street side the sky appears bluer.

• Rendering of the lobby.  That guy on the right will greet you each day while walking full stride at you, the wind fluttering through his coattails, his collar rising higher ever so slightly as he barrels toward you.

Studios ($3333-3490)

• When I bezerked in here a while ago when it was still a construction zone, I didn’t wantonly barge into any of the studios at the time so all I have are these floor plans.  This is the first type of configuration.  633 sq/ft at $3333/m seems halfway livable.

• Here’s the second type.  660-672 sq/ft for $3490/m.  That’s 30-40 more square feet!  Just imagine it!

• And here’s the third type.  837 sq/ft for $3490/m.  Same price, thrice the spice (no idea what that means… just felt like sayin’ it).

Studios + Home Office ($3672-4323)

• Again, I flailed on finding any of these coveted studio+offices so you’re stuck with a line drawing.  Deal with it.  This is 704-734 sq/ft for $3672/m.  Long, lean, lots of closets and room for three plants!

• This is type two, similar to the above but inverted.  786-805 sq/ft for $3958/m offers you room for two Lay-Z-Boys and a sofa.

• The last of the studio-hicans+office.  This one seems like a one-bedroom to me but technically it’s not.  1065 sq/ft at $4323/m feels like 1br land, alas…

One-Bedrooms ($3854-4271)

• Now we’re getting into the meat!  I did manage to snap a few shots of these guys AND you’ll get to see the difference between mine and some very glamorous shots from the developer.  This bad boy is 672-673 sq/ft for $3854/m.

• I’m no architectural genius but I’m pretty sure this is a shot of the living area depicted graphically in the previous floor plan drawing.  Mind you, the sofa in the drawing is replaced by a sectional in the photo.

• Reminding you again that I’m not a genius, it seems evident that this is the kitchen of that 1br we’re speaking of.  Menu chalkboards optional.

• Heheh.

• All the bathrooms in the building, as far as I’ve seen, look (or will look) like this.  Nize.

• I kinda think my photos are more fun, no?  Like the aftermath of a nuclear winter or something… but still nice.

• This is type B of the 1brs and I for sure know I saw these first hand.  723-801 sq/ft at $3880 is what we dealin’ with.

• Here’s the living room and there’s that column.  Great for hanging weapons or displaying your collection of decorative plates from the US Presidency.  Floors coming soon.

• Can’t say I don’t like the tall windows in the bedroom though I’d prefer a different shade of chartreuse for my across the street neighbor’s exterior.

• Oh man, KITCHEN RAMPAGE!!!  Looks like the set of Prometheus.

• Type C has another 30-40 square feet than the other guy.  836-878 sq/ft for $4010 gets you a smidge more room for your flat screen.

• Wild guess as to whether this corresponds to the floor plan but if it does, now you can see what the bedroom/living space will look like with floors installed.  Yay.

• Type D here.  You’ve got a that little Time Bandits entrance hallway and considerably more square footage.  Noting my non-architectural genius (and quite possibly a rare disorder giving me the inability to read floor plans too good), I think this unit has windows on either side somehow.  945-960 sq/ft at $4271/m is what it be.

One Bedroom + Home Office ($4453-5755)

• Here’s type A of these nifty numbers.  856 sq/ft for $4453/m gets you it.

• Feeling pretty confident that my Sherlock Holmsing of this building got me into the corresponding unit to the respective diagram.  This be the living room and through that door be the bedroom.

• You may not have as much fun looking at photos of closets as I do taking them.   Regardless, these are the ones in the bedroom.

• This bathroom is what it feels like when the tub and toilet switch places.

• Another angle on the living space peering into the kitchen behind the column and the home office with SKYLIGHT way down the end there.

• A closer look at the kitchen.  Envision a fridge.

• The blue hue in this photo is from the natural twilight pouring in from the skylight above.  There’s also a decent closet in here.  Don’t mind that ladder, just don’t walk ‘neath it.

• GLORIA!  I understand there are more of these ceiling light ports in the top floor units.

• Definitely did no get to see Type B first hand.  965-971 sq/ft for $4245/m gives you the option to beds in both the office and the bedroom but you’d have to enter through one of them.  Zoinks.

• I vaguely remember seeing one of these Type C’s but opted out of taking photos due to its unsightly mid-construction appearance.  1072 sq/ft at $4070 keeps you sprawlin’ and ballin’.

• The mirror of its sister, Type C, Type D has the twin bathrooms and offers 1140 sq/ft for $4844/m.  Double rad.

• Sort of just adding these on toward the end because I couldn’t rightly tell you which floor plans they correspond to.  Almost certain it’s the living room of one of the one bedrooms.

• Same room, different angle, better light, and please don’t paint that wall.

• At last, we’re at the end (phew).  This is the 2br “Jolt Cola” special: “All the sugar.  Twice the caffeine.”  1245-1270 sq/ft for $5999/m and not one penny more!

Additional features may include:

• 14-foot ceilings
• Exterior brick walls
• Exposed original columns and beams
• Oversized 10-foot windows
• Wood plank ceilings
• Full size Washer & Dryer
• Spacious closets complete with shelving and efficient hanging layouts
• Individually controlled central heat and air-conditioning in every home
• Custom sun shades for every window
• Video Intercom
• Large skylights in many top floor apartment homes
• Cooking gas and hot water are included.
• Pets are cool as far as I know.
• Map here.

If you’ve made it this far, it’s probably worth it for you to email me to set up a viewing.

Good night and thank you.

$4000 – Titanic Loft Rises from the Depths (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Love on the bow of the good ship Greenpoint is imminently possible atop the freshly swabbed decks of this titanic loft.

Ahoy!

Wicked huge.  Plenty of space for your collection of beer coozies from around the globe.

Great for home bowling or ice-free curling (semi-pro).

“For the wise man looks into space and he knows there is no limited dimensions.” – Lao Tzu

Indoor lawn darts anyone?  Nerf bocce?  Life-sized Settlers of Catan?  I’m game.

Even with all that space, one might still find oneself in need of a bathroom.  Not surprisingly, there is one.

Preparing meals never felt so colossal.  Feel free to use this kitchen to cater an event of epic proportions in your own home.

- Available now.  Don’t let this ship sail without you.

- Pets, obviously, are fine.  You can breed Rotweillers in there if you wish.

- Map here.

Send me a message in a bottle or click here if you’re interested.

$1400 – Hotel del Rico del Sol (Greenpoint Ave. G)

A warm tropical breeze caresses your neck.  The sound of the ocean waves lulls languidly in the distance.  A seagull cries overhead when suddenly, a man dressed impeccably in a white suit and bamboo cane approaches.  He smiles warmly…

Buenas!  Welcome, mi amigos, to the Hotel del Rico del Sol.  Allow me to show you around a bit.

Here is the living room where I assure you will be very comfortable.  Curl up on the couch or sit back in one of my collection of refurbished vintage chairs.

From this angle, you will see where my tree likes to grow and where you may view the internet on the television.  My curtains stretch from ceiling to floor keeping things private yet luminous with natural light.

From this seat you can see where I can prepare you a drink from the bar or a home cooked meal from the kitchen.

In the mornings, I find this kitchen table to be ideal for catching up on the news over a fresh espresso or cafe latte.  Poach some eggs too with toast if you wish.  Mornings here are golden.

I can imagine you must be weary from your trip.  Please, let me draw you a bath or take a long hot shower if you wish.

This will be your room, my friend.  Fresh soft linens, extra pillows, and some space to meditate.  Feel free to browse my collection of rare vinyl for your enjoyment.

Need some sun?  Just step out into the backyard by the pool.  Don’t worry, it’s private, let loose.

- Available on scheduled basis for long term sublet or temporary stays.

- Utilities and wifi included.

- Three blocks from the Greenpoint Avenue G train and a 10 minute walk from the Bedford Avenue L.

- Map here.

Send me a message in a bottle or click here if you’re interested in un momento de máxima relajación.

Muchas gracias!

$4250 – Duplex Office + Loft = Duploftice (Bedford L)

The problem:  You’ve been pining away for a live/work loft in Williamsburg since the 90s.  Everything’s either been too grungy, too small, too shady or too remote.

The solution:  See below.

- This is what you see when you first walk in.  Dark wood plank floors, modern open kitchen with a balcony.

- A closer look at that balcony.

- Another angle of the kitchen.  There’s the door on the 3rd floor you just walked up to (sorry, no elevator).

- Swing around the corner and you’re in your bedroom.  Sprawling, bright, epic views of the Manhattan skyline.

- Turning around you’re bound for the walk-through full bathroom.

- This is the office space through the bathroom also connected to the kitchen.  This is where master plans are made.

- Sweet!  Can we go upstairs now?  Sure.

- Oh, so there’s a HUGE room up here with insane views, a private roof deck, another bathroom, separate entrance and two closets?  Yup.

- Not a bad spot for an entertainment set-up.

- Half bath for your showering convenience.

- Custom closets make things much neater.

- From the railing looking back on your future chill/work zone.

- Now from the other direction.  Private.  Epic.

- Available October 1st, 2011.

- Heat/hot water are paid for by tenant.  Cooking gas is included.

- 1100 sq.ft.

- It’s a 3rd floor walk-up so get ready to schlep.

- Located here.

- Comment on this post to set up an appointment.  Thank ya!

$1900-4200 – Hello Greenpoint! I want to move to you! (G’pt Ave. G.)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, your ship has at last come in.

The new building full of brand spanking new gorgeous rentals on Kent St. x West St. and Franklin are available. And guess who can get you in there first… (?)

Show ‘em what they’ve got, Rod:

- From the outside, a completely respectable reno.  Sand blasted brick and subtle detail restoration of what was the “original” pencil factory.

1br w/Private Outdoor Space

- Polished poured concrete floors and a skylight gives you some serious glow for this ground floor 1br with outdoor space.  Built-in AC units keeping things chill in here but the rest of the building has central air/heat.

- There’s your private entrance to your private patio outdoor space of total serenity.

- This be the actual bedroom of the 1br we be discussing here.  Sleeps one comfortably, two preferred (wink-wink)… or three? Naughty naughty!

- All the bathrooms, aside from the half baths, are like this.  Full tub, sinks with drawers, toilet seats with plastic covers on them.

- The developers of this place actually got it right – DEEP closets all over every unit.  In the bedrooms, in the hallways.  Explore your inner hoarder.

- You’ll need to squint and use your imagination slightly here.  Aside from it being slightly blurry, there will one day be a nice new energy-efficient fridge and dishwasher in those large gaps to the left and right of the frame.  Otherwise, this is basically the kitchen layout for all the units.  Bon appetite!

1br Upper Floor

- Hellllloooo?  Echo!!!!  Sloth… love… Chunk!!!  There are some 1brs in this building that can convert to 2brs because they’re so damn huge.  This is one example.

- An 180 degree turn to the left from the above photo reveals this.  In between those two windows along the right side is where a pressure wall could be installed to add another bedroom.  Up to you.

- A peak around the archway reveals the bedroom in which you may find yourself sleeping soundly.  While window does happen to face Kent St., I don’t think a car has driven down it since the late 1800s.

- If I may interject a moment of reality here, heat and cool are controlled by the tenant in all units… which means they are paid for by the tenant.  If you keep it at off all the time, you won’t pay a dime.

1br w/Balcony & City Views

- Ok, back to the fun and excitement.  View-oooo-oooooos!  This unit will have a balcony where you can hang out with your coffee and terry cloth leisure suit.

- The living room… oh, and there’s the door to that balcony I was telling you about.

- Some more imagination kitchen.  These are done now so when we view, you won’t have to envision anything.

- It’s like a spa in here.

2br Duplex w/Private Outdoor Space

- Yup.  Duplexes.  Crazy space and a second floor for office, recreation, and parties when your parents go out of town.

- Another look at the main room and hallway.  That banged up door on the left leads to your private patio shangri-la.

- This is the stairwell of another duplex also on the ground floor but you can see how these units are all very different.  Lots of possibilities for good livin… for instance, here you can stage your own performance of Macbeth.

- This is the living room attached to the photo above.  Dope.

- “Yeah, hi, I’m gonna need two closets right next to each other.”  Sure, no problem.

- Again, heat/cool not included (sorry Charlie).

- Prices are not fully determined but 1bs are between 1900-3200 and the 2brs go as high as 4200 but that’s the ceiling.

- Move-in is looking like mid-September but could be November 1st.

- Map here.

Give me a holler or comment on this post if you’d like to view.  I’ll be there all day Thursday 8/25 giving special guided tours if you’re around.

$1100 & 1900 – Two studio lofts: One scary. One nice. (Clinton/Washington G)

I do so love the Navy Yard.  Hard to say why.  Good memories there I guess.

Wanna see the nice one or the scary one first?

Studio – $1900/m

- Oh.  Hmm…

- Dzzzamn.  Pepto bismol plywood floors could use some treatment but hell, not too shabby.

- There’s that corner with the kitchen appliances in it.  A fridge looms off to the right, staring coldly at us.

- An actual bathoom, not barf room.

- You will be sleeping up on one of these but…

- …from one angle you’ve got the coolest building in the Navy Yard…

- …and from the other you’ve got a very Brooklynie scene with a lot of sky and light and space.

- Heat/hot water included.

- It’s a 5 story walk-up, just so ya know.

- Available now.

- Pets are cool.

- Map here.

Ready for the scary one?

Studio – $1100/m

- So that’s fake rolled out wood flooring with some halfway decent light I guess.  Clearly there’s some art happening here.  So… where’s the bathroom?

- Oh, hello.  So, is there a… toilet?

- Woah.  Ok.  Sink?

- Got it.  And there’s a stove just there around the corner near the frying pan.  Where do you sleep?

- In the hallway?  That tunnel actually passes all the way through the flag into some wonktified version of a closet.

- Unit’s located the ground floor in case that freaks you out even more.

- Heat/hot water included.

- Pets are cool but where do you put ‘em?

- Available May 1st, 2010.

- Map here.

Commenteth and ye shall vieweth.

$1400-2800 – 1b and duplex that make Bed Stuy stay alive (Nostrand Ave. A C)

At some point, after passing through two projects and a food desert of grimy bodegas and bullet-proof glass Chinese restaurants, Bed Stuy gets nice.

Here’s where my BMX took me today:

The Bush Doctor!  He whipped me up an almond milk açai berry voodoo drink with cinnemon.  Did me RIGHT!  Apparently he’s making house calls.

That’s Terry, the Bush Doctor’s apprentice and nicest dude I’ve encountered in a while.  He did mention there’ve been about 6 shootings in the area,, drug related mostly.  He also clued me into the fact that all of the great empires since Genghis Khan (including ours) have fallen in Afghanistan and that Bin Laden’s been dead since 1996.

- Delighted and somewhat surprised to see a halfway decent furniture store out here actually.

- And another!

- Word on the street is that Peaches is peachy.  Haven’t tried but I keep a keen ear to the street (((pulls black tar gum out of hair))).

- Evidently, Big George’s is no longer serving soulfood “plus.”  It wasn’t clear to me what exactly was going on there actually.  I don’t read too deeply into these things.  M’kay, enough neighborhood highlights, let’s look at where you can live.

Halsey St. 1b – $1400/m

- Kind of a cacophony in there but give the girl a break, she’s moving!

- Detail of where you could plop your hiney once settled.

- I do relish this kitchen.  Cozy, tiled, nice light, good appliances.  Très satisfaisant.

- Pah-lenty of room for that big ‘ol sleigh bed of yours.

- The tub’s feet aren’t molded claws but hell, it’s just as amazing!  I’d be bathing constantly.

- The tasteful Argentine owner collects really nice furniture and is willing to donate this to the unit.  My friend Kate seems to think this looks like something that should be in the lounge at a Thai restaurant but then again, she was about to buy a saggy-ass black leather sofa off CL just because it was cheap. Sheesh!  Right now the couche in her duplex which is also for rent.  (see below)

Halsey St. 2br Duplex – $2800/m

- Livin’ good in da hood.  Super charming, original details, bright.  (((sigh)))

- Really?  Sick kitchen.  There’s another huge wall of shelves off the edge of the frame to the left.  So sick.

- Mmmmhmmmm.  Elevated patio to make you feel haughty on Halsey.

- Oh… what’s that down there?  A f’n massive lawn, grow space, and grill to serve the better part of the block.  Could use a little grass seed and some love in the planters but it’s still early in the season, y’all.  Don’t hate.

- Half bath on the first floor for when you wanna use a little sink.

- Now we’re on the “du” of the “plex.” I generally feel bad taking pics of people’s bedrooms when they’re still sleeping in them but this is the owner’s and she said it was cool.  I just really like how it’s both a workspace and a sleep space.  Those shutters are dope.  And the ironwork?  Tight.

- I didn’t check to see what the feet were like on the tub because I didn’t want to seem like a freak but fuggit.  Again, it’s an elevated enameled tub that you can submerge in.  Need I say more?

- If this is where your roommate lives, they’re sure to pay the rent on time.  If this is your guest room, your guests are sure to return.

- One last peek at the yard from the ground level.

- 1br is available May 1st.  Duplex can be made available starting May 1st.

- Heat/hot water included.

- Pets are fine (I think, I need to check on that for sure).

- Map here.

Would LEURVE to hear your comments about this.  It’s also how I know you’re interested in viewing, k?

$2000 – 1br honeyed Graham crackers (Graham L)

Oh, how I miss the kind and gentle folk of the Graham Avenue section of Williamsburg.  Café Capri, Emily’s Pork Store, Fanny, Daddy’s, Fortunato Bros.  And how bout all those newfangled yummy places?  Mother’s, Motorino, Mesa Coyoacan, Variety Café, Sel de Mer.  It’s endless food hedonism and sensory enjoyment!

Here’s where you can now live:

- Now there’s a living room that just says, “Hey!  Live in me!”

- Woah… I know this looks just a horizontally flipped version of the one above but, I kid you not, it’s the bedroom.  Those sliding doors actually do access a private balcony that you can use to go between both rooms when you get bored of using the doorway.

- KERSPLOOOSHH!!!  The open lid is inviting you.

- If conjuring is your bag, this is where you can prepare your culinary alchemy.  Plenty of room to brew kombucha up on that cabinetry.

- It’s a shared yard but damn!  Definitely salubrious.

- Another look from the ground level.  I’d totally grill out here.

- I can personally attest to the landlord being freakin’ awesome because I lived in one of his buildings. He’s really my favorite landlord of all time.

- Available June 1st (maybe May 1st if you can make up your mind by April 15th).

- Heat/hot water included.

- Pets are a-ok.

- Map here.

If you want a look, leave a comment ‘n stuff!

$1499 & 1899 – 1br vs. “2br” and it makes me wonder (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Happy Passover y’all!  If real estate inevitably came up as a topic at last nights Sadr, here’s something you can ponder at the next one – How do two identical apartments have a difference in rent of $400, the more expensive having no closets?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Unit D – $1499

- This hallway actually takes you back in time.

- Pretty much as standard as standard living rooms come.  I mean, there’s a window(?)

- Positioned in the rear of the building, I’ll say this is a very quiet place to put your bed.  That radiator makes things crazy cozy in here too.

- Not one but TWO closets, one in the bedroom and one in the hallway.  SAWEEET!

- Not the worst place to do your duty.

- Sufficient to say I was blown away to find a dishwasher in here.  There’s actually enough room to put a little breakfast table.  Quaint.

- Heat/hot water are INCLUDED.

- Pets are totally cool.

- Available nowish.

- Map here.

Unit C – $1899

- The layout is completely different in this one located directly next door to the unit described above.  Square footage-wise, I couldn’t detect a lick of difference.  Anyway, here’s the living room.

- Here’s one of the bedrooms or whatever you wanna call it.  Where’s the closet?

- Yet another room technically recognized as a bedroom but it’s anybody’s guess what to actually do with it.  Um, will we be seeing a closet in here at some point?

- Again, totally acceptable albeit cramped.

- Okay so I’ve been through this place twice now and no sign of ANY closets.  The kitchen cabinets and some hooks by the front door are the only indications that the management cares if people store their stuff off the floor.  I’m still dumbfounded that they sprung for a dishwasher but couldn’t squeeze in a damn closet… and $400 bucks more than the place next door?  Nuh-uh.

- Heat/hot water INCLUDED.

- Pets are totally cool.

- Available nowish.

- Map here.

Leave your comments as they’re not only useful in making me giggle but so I can respond to you if you actually want to view these spots.