$1800 – TWO 2br duplexes in a friggin’ SICK HOUSE (Halsey St. J)

Some may call this the “nice part” of Bed Stuy.  Everything’s clean, no syringes or used condoms in the park, the brownstones are impeccably kept and the neighbors actually wave and say hello.  It’s light years from anything resembling a Brooklyn scene except for that stuff happening on Lewis Ave… but then again, isn’t that why you’re moving?

Follow closely this tour of your future home:

LOWER DUPLEX (2br – $1800)

- We’ll start from the ground floor and work our way up.   This is the first room you see when you walk in under the front stoop.  Likely it’s to be used as your main living area with plenty of space and mellow light.

- Newly renovated ground floor kitchen from one angle…

- Long table with inviting stools in the ground floor kitchen from the other angle.  And that’s the door to your…

- …private back yard.  There’s the essence of cat piss back there but the landlord, a kind and insanely friendly woman, has promised to mend a broken section of the fence and repour the concrete.  Lot’s of growing space under some pretty trees.

- And don’t worry about hauling your rusty-ass hibachi over… there’s a freakin’ new Weber that the previous tenants left for you (shown “regular” and “trippy” style).  You’re welcome.

- Now that you’ve come down off your “we’re getting a backyard with a grill!” high, we’re ready to schlep up the stairs to your other private floor where the bedrooms be at.  This is the one in the back of the house.

- This is the totally excellent shelving unit built into the closet in the aforementioned and aforepictured bedroom.

- This is the incredibly cute half bath found in the aforementioned/aforepictured bedroom above.

- As soon as you’re ready to blow everyone’s mind when you say, “Welcome to my bedroom,” you can totally use this room for the backdrop.  All original molding, lighting fixtures, mirror, shelving and stained glass can be found in this front bedroom on the 1st floor. Pimp shit.

- Lily white porcelain parlour for your pleasure still here on the 1st floor.  Now let’s head on up to the 2nd…

UPPER DUPLEX (3br – $1850)

- Too difficult to photograph adequately with my little Lumix even with the 16:9 aspect ratio setting, this is the 2nd floor living room with crazy light.

- Clean and skuzz free.  2nd floor bathroom all shiny and new.

- Here’s where my memory starts to get a little weak… can’t remember if this bedroom is on the 2nd or 3rd floors.  Alas, it’s part of the UPPER DUPLEX and you can easily fit a large bed in there.

- This might be the only bummer thing about the UPPER DUPLEX.  Kind of a smallish kitchen but I know it’s on the 3rd floor because of the rad skylight.

- Just when you thought, “How many fireplaces and bedrooms could there possibly be in an $1800/month apartment?”…then you discover this shellacked beauty on the 3rd floor.

- Perhaps the freakiest room in the house.  May I present the Oompa Loompa-Children in the Attic-Mommy Dearest Room.  Probably good for an office if you can keep the screaming out of your head.

- Heat/hot water controlled and paid for by tenant.

- Not sure about pets but the landlord didn’t seem to excited about the prospect.

- Available now.

- Map here.

Post a comment and ye shall receive further instructions on how to obtain a lease for this prize property.

$2400 – 2br Doin’ the Ben Franklin (Greenpoint Ave. G)

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Me, ding dong!! I’m your downstairs neighbor!  It’s the building I live in and there’s an apartment available up there on the 3rd floor!!!

- Lalala living room… ahh….  Pretty ridiculous amount of space to sprawl.

Do you know me?  If not, it’s cool… this is still a free country and you can live wherever you want.

- KA-RAAZZZY kitchen.  Newish and still nice.

It’s just that I do a fair amount of charcoal grilling, gardening, and every once in a while, I do a bit of sunbathing.

- Plop, plop.  Whiz, whiz… oh, what a relief it is… to have a decent bathroom.  We have the ooogly brown cabinet where you get the nice white.  (jel)

Not just the kind of sunbathing where you fish out on a towel for an hour… this involves a 12′ inflatable pool, a sci-fi novel, and a purple Speedo.

- This is how the left and right bedrooms are laid out.  The one on the right kind of turns a mini corner and has the duel window action.

Why should you care?  Because your potential new bedroom overlooks me in all my glory… the howling… the gurgling… the borrowing of salt… the reggae… the uninhibited and often unannounced spontaneous freak-outs that happen semi-regularly?

- Heat and hot water NOT included (sux).

- Available May 15th, 2009.

- Map here.

Comment!  Tell me your thoughts on speedos and if you want this place.

$2750 – 1br Grand Accomodations on Grand (Bedford L)

This crib still has the good vibes from its last tenant (my friend and brilliant writer).  It’s a 1br loft, mega luxurious, titanic windows, laundry hookups, dishwasher… the whole nine.

Shall we have a look-see?

- This is a pretty good overview of what you’ve got – sleeping loft up above the kitchen, fully stocked and new kitchen, and there’s the dining section of your massive, gaping, ginormous living space.

- If you were to sit in the middle of the room and look both ways 180 degrees in opposite directions, this is how the world would look to you in there.

- Admittedly, I’m fetishizing this living room but it’s nearly impossible to capture the enormity of these windows, the light, and the feeling that 18′ ceilings provide.  Oh, and there are two balconies out there – great for parades!

- This is where you put your bed.  Not sure of the dimensions but you can totally squeeze a queen sized frame in there.

- This is where you put your clothes… and a guest lodger if necessary… it’s huge in there.

- Back to back kitchen views!  The one on the left is a little bit closer up so you can feast your eyes on your NEW DISHWASHER!  No more dish pan hands!

- Just in case you didn’t believe me, here’s the washer/dryer hookups.  These babies are rare.

- What lux condo rental would be complete wihout a hyper-modern bathroom?  So inviting…

- Available 2/1/09

- Heat/hot water not included.  Sorry

- Map here.

Comment on this post and I’ll get right back to ya!

$1525-2400 – From Studio to 2br, it’s Greenpoint GALORE! (Greenpoint Ave. G)

This may prove to be the longest post I’ve attempted thus far.  Alas, it is not only a pleasure but my DUTY to perform.

Allons-y!

STUDIO

- To begin at the beginning, we’ll start with the studio.  394 sq.ft. of living space on the 1st floor for $1525 ain’t too shabby.  My only worry is the “beer spa” opening up right next door.  Could mean a good chance for you to demand a lifetime supply (or at least 12-months) of free suds.

- I just noticed this but I think that’s an induction range up there.  Super-efficient and functional.  Clean layout and plenty of counter space.

- Nicely tiled, marbled, and never used.  What’s up with that weird ghost on the wall?

2-BEDROOM CENTER

- Same (1st) floor, 2br, 785 sq. ft., listed at $2150/month.  Weird thing about this is that it’s in the middle of the building so there aren’t actually any windows that look out onto a street, per se.  It’s loaded  with skylights that makes it feel a little like the underground space farm where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

- Skylights a-poppin’, here’s what the two bedrooms look like side-by-side.  Definitely has nice privacy and separation for roomies but still, it’s that Star Wars feel that could be hit or miss.

- Kitchen!  Look familiar?  Everything looks VERY homogeneous but I assure you, this is the spread you’ll find adoring this particular unit.  You’ll see.

- Again, a familiar but welcome sight – clean, neat, and never used.

- One thing this unit seems to be lacking are closets.  I think there’s one but I can’t remember.  They made it hard to reach up for it with some overhead storage atop the kitchen.  And hey, there’s those Star Wars skylights again!

1-BEDROOM REAR

- I was’t trying to make this a sci-fi themed episode, but as you venture further down this Death Star-like corridor away from the underground space farm pictured above, you’ll come to some rather charming rear 1br units.  The living rooms have lots of natural light and you can get a peek of the decorative fireplace in the bedroom back there.  They’re listed between 1900-2500, depending on outdoor space availability (the 2nd image above shows the patio door).

- Here’s that bedroom I alluded to earlier.  Cute right?

- I love chrome.

- Here’s where that patio door leads.  I’m told a wood deck will be added along with a railing so you can’t peek down into the Star Wars space farms below.

- The other rear 1br has a stairwell that leads up to this roof deck and again, from what I’m told, it’s private and there will be some kind of decking in the near future.  Sick view.

1-BEDROOM FRONT

- Much of how this complex is laid out needs a proper walk-through to be truly understood but this here side of the building looks out over Greenpoint Ave.  Everything look a bit more standard to me on this side  but certainly you have a bright living room just aching to be furnished.

- A cyclops of the latter image but there’s plenty of room for a big ol’ bed in there.  Behind me there’s the bathroom and a closet.

- What I tell ya.

- No surpises here!

- It’s up to you which water tower you like better but I personally prefer this photo.  Good cell phone reception up here too.

1-BEDROOM CENTER

- I didn’t do this intentionally but I actually saved the most bizarre interesting for last.  What’s shown is what I think is being called a “1br” in the center of the lot with skylights bearing the only natural light in the unit.  Above is what you see when you walk in… feels a little like wandering onto the set of THX-1138.

- Master Control… FINISH THE GAME!  Oh… sorry.  Tron reference.  Um… this is the “bedroom.”  (Play Twilight Zone theme music here.)

- Are we there yet?

- I’ll be in the tub if you need me.

- You read all the way down to the end of this post only to find a picture of a closet.  SUCKER!!!  Jk.  It’s a closet, see!  Okay, wrap it up, punchy.

- Available November, 2008.

- Doesn’t seem that the landlord is paying for much or any in the way of heat and/or hot water.

- Pets RULE!

- Coin-op laundry in the building (soon) but there’s the laundry place right on Franklin run by the nice Spanish lady and the mean Asian lady.

- A moonwalk from the Greenpoint Ave G.  I’m not going into the G’s defense but if you time it right, it’s there.

- Map here.

Comment now if you can even stand to at this point.

PS. Thanks for your patience.

$1675 – Greasemonkey Paradise (Greenpoint Ave. G)

While one of the lovliest commodes I’ve seen about town, it doesn’t quite save this botched up slosh job of a Polsky finger bang reno.  There is an absolutely enchanted backyard clearly well maintained by the previous dog-owning tenants but I still can’t see how they both slept in what defies my descriptive gifts -  essentially, it’s a pantry.

We’re all over the place with Willy Wonky’s Funged-Up Freak Show so stay with me:

- Just steps away from every kind of automotive repair you’ll ever need.
- In the hulking shadow of the Newtown Creek Sewage Treatment Facility’s alien digestor eggs (nothing thrills me more than to think of giant digestor eggs down my block… so sci-fi).
- Hope you like ladders because you’ll be climbing one to get to your “fort” every night (truly must be seen to be beieved).
- A deep and haunting hallway leads into a beautiful Brooklyney parlor with wide plank floors.
- Crackheaded kitchen with slop sink on one side, cheap particle board shelves, and munged up appliances on the other.
- Beatific backyard that almost makes life worth it’s proximity to the Pootown Creek Funk Factory.
- Available August 1st.

Comment now!

PS. My gratitude to the cute upstairs neighbor who so kindly helped inspire some of my observations.

View map here.

$1450 – Saddle up, your 1br with FARMLAND is HERE! (Greenpoint G/Vernon-Jackson 7)

Takes a lot to wow me these days and this was a wow moment.

Totally freakin’ affordible with more land than most suburban homes to plant, cultivate, and drop out of society completely.

- One true bedroom with Turkish dome archway for your beaded curtain.
- Smallish living room but large enough to sprawl out (provided you’re not 6′7″).
- New floors!
- I’m guessing new appliances but as you can see from the pics in the gallery, not up to Batali’s standards.
- For that one bath you take in the dark winter months, there’s a tub.
- Available August 1st.
- But who cares about any of this when you have a COLOSSAL MEGA HONKING BACKYARD????

Comment now or you’ve let yet another golden opportunity pass you by like so much wind through the blades of grass in the backyard of your dreams…

View map here.

$2700 – Stacked 3br Stoner Palace in Billyberg (Bedford L)

Yup, that’s a wheelchair in there…  not because anyone’s disabled but because three totally awesome stoner college dudes live in there and have all kinds of oddities and stuff tacked to the walls (Lil’ Kim t-shirt, skateboard decks, “art”, etc.).

What lies beneath the facade of this Judd Apatow set is:

- A Swiss Family Robinson-style railroad with lofted beds all over the place (sorry, no rope swings or monkey servants).
- Two separate entrances so only one roommate gets traffic.
- Manhattan skyline views for those moments around 4:30 when Dark Side is blasting and your gaze needs somewhere to float.
- A bathroom that’s been sufficiently “dudeified” but according to the tenants “blasts hot water nicely.”
- Kitchen appliances that have seen many a charred ramen noodle and condiment encrustation.
- But here’s the clincher: WINDOWS IN EVERY ROOM!!! YESSS!
- Available August 1st.

If I were you (thrifty, social, and stonery Williamsburger), I’d comment so you can see it.

View the map here.

$2000 – Railroad Redesign: Why don’t they ALL do this???

Living in the “Capital of the World,” one might jump to the conclusion that New Yorkers have reached a certain quality of life plateau where two people could share an apartment without one of them sleeping in a room with no windows, natural light, or ventilation.  Such is the case with the vast majority of floor-through, or so-called “railroad” apartments especially in Brooklyn.  Such is NOT the case with this fabulous redesign:

-Two actual bedrooms on separate sides of the unit with doors and locks – how novel.
-Square footage that could satisfy the grungiest of Austrian loft zealots.
-New kitchen appliances, counter tops, and cabinets that may actually inspire you to start cooking.
-Subway tiled bathroom, not drunken Polish style floral patterns.
-Closets so big you can sublet them to your college drop-out step brother.
-A hop, skip, jump, and a 1/2 block more hopping to the Greenpoint Ave. G.
-Feast on Northern Greenpoint’s cornucopia of economy proof liquor stores, fruit stands, butchers, bars, and restaurants.
-Sorry, no pets.
-Available August 15th, 2008.

I’ve got this on my plate for a week and then it goes public so comment and let’s make some moves!

View the map here.

Brooklyn Navy Yard: Pretty Rubble

Ever had the chance to ride your bike through the Brooklyn Navy Yard?

My buddy Pete used to work in one of the studios there and used his pass to plus me in.  Turns out it’s the ultimate short cut to get from South Brooklyn to North Brooklyn but will this ever be open to the biking public?  I highly doubt it.

Either way, have a look at some of the pics… some pretty eye-popping stuff in there to say the least.  Especially that section of a jet and some massive hanger where they built battleships in WWII.  Anyone out there that knows some of the history, please feel free to report back.

$2400 – Double Fudge Frosting on B’brg Cupcakes (Graham L)

These are the twin sisters of mercy on the pastoral street of the “protected” Graham Ave. section of Williamsburg.  Not much negativity coming from me on these goodies:

- Newer than new renovation not done completely shamelessly.
- Granite counter tops and all new appliances in the well designed kitchens.
- One bathroom per unit (kinda smallish) but has full tubs for those once-a-year baths.
- Private partitioned backyard for the first floor lucky ducks.
- Square footage to square dance in.
- Enough light to tan indoors.

The first floor unit is going for 2500/month because of it’s backyard action but these are the kind of places you and the family could happily move into, perfect for a share, and a happy couple would be 10x happier.

View map here.